The Joyful and Tired Dad

Its the Most Wonderful Time of the Year!

2011-12-22T17:41:00.000-08:00

So my choices today were to either write this blog or cry myself to sleep. And you are now reading my choice. It is now 3 days before Christmas and you would expect everyone to be excited about the coming Holiday and waiting in joyous anticipation to the promises of presents and Christmas meals and treats and gathering with your families to share this magical holiday season together, right? Well, not so much. Let me tell you about my day.

It begins at 5:30 with Nate crying in his room. When Nate wakes up, no one will get him to go back to sleep. So the alternative is to sleep on his floor while he babbles to himself and tries not to wake up the other 2. He finally starts talking loud enough at 7 that we exit the room to find out everyone else has been up already. Nate then joins Drew in a beautiful duet of whining and crying for food while breakfast cooks (and by "cooks" I mean microwavable sausage). So this is the first sign of a "good day." I leave for work, thankfully, and begin my day with 2 phone calls from my wife before I even arrive to work. They are not stress calls...yet. But the third call at 9:15 is. She and the kids have all officially lost it. In the hour that I have been gone, Drew hit Nate across the face with a foam nunchuk, Drew gets disciplined, Drew fights against discipline, Nate cries and screams at Lindsey, Lindsey cries and screams at me, and at the end of her irrational rant I get blamed for not doing the dishes or buying her a COSI/zoo membership, and get hung up on. I call back and tell her I will be home early. Not by choice but by necessity. After this phone call she takes the kids to the grocery store. When she is there, Zachary and Drew are put in the Eagle's nest. Nate stays with Lindsey and whines 85% of the time. Zachary and Drew get in a fight and the Giant Eagle worker breaks them up only to get back-talked to by Zachary. Lindsey gets paged to come pick up her unruly children. Once Drew is released, he runs to the candy aisle and steals 3 gummy sharks. Lindsey sweeps his mouth with her finger to clear it of the stolen merchandise and informs the Giant Eagle worker of the theft while Drew throws a fit on the floor screaming for everyone to turn and look. Then Drew gets up and runs out of the store. Lindsey leaves the other two to chase down the sprinting 3 year old, drags him back into the store, kicking and screaming, to join Nate who has started his own screaming chorus of the popular toddler anthem, "I Want, I Want, Gimme, Gimme, Why, AAAAAAAHHHHHH." She checks out and takes them to the car. Zachary begins to cry because not only did he not get a free cookie but he is not allowed to watch TV as a consequence for his behavior toward that adult worker. So she has achieved the "Crying Tifecta." All 3 losing their minds. It was at this point I had conveniently called her to ask for a recipe for a co-worker. I have perfect timing.

I came home and luckily avoided the trio of banshees because they were all down for their afternoon naps. Lindsey was able to join her mom to get her nails done as a stress reliever from this morning's chaos. I eat lunch and lay down on the couch to take a short power nap. I have 40 minutes until Zachary comes out of his room and no joke, 5 minutes after I close my eyes, Drew crys out. I run up, give him the Ipod touch to play a game, and I go back to lie down, 35 minutes left. At 5 more minutes, Zachary comes out and says he is so hungry he cant stand it. I tell him to stand it and get back in his room. 30 minutes left. I fall asleep. At 25 minutes left, Drew calls out again cause he is bored. I get him out and put him in Zachary's room. 25 minutes left. I fall asleep. Zachary opens his door. I tell him to shut it and if he opens again, I am adding time to his quiet time or to him, sentence. 15 minutes left. The door opens again. Now Drew is checking on the puppy. I tell him to wait. 10 minutes left. At 5 minutes and every minute after I hear loudly from their room, "5 more minutes. 4 more minutes. 3 more minutes..." So much for the power nap.

Lindsey comes home from the nail appointment and everyone is up and crazy. I tell her we are going to the store. She says "I hope not Target or Toys R Us 3 days before Christmas." And I say, "yes, because you know why? Because it is not here!" We run some errands and go to a nice dinner at Olive Garden. No mishaps or horseplay like the Mexican restaurant. The kids are great but Lindsey is not feeling too well.

We go to CVS to pick some medicine and while there Lindsey runs to the Minute Clinic to get checked out and I wait in the car with the boys. I leave the TV running in the car and the lights on. Drew also likes to have his overhead light on even though I've told him to turn it off while I am driving and while parked cause it could drain the battery. Lindsey is taking longer than expected at the Minute Clinic so I tell her we will still wait cause the boys are content with the TV in the van. But I notice the check engine light and oil light start coming on. Then the lights flicker. So I try to turn the car on and like "Up on the Housetop," click, click, click. But instead of "down the chimney with old St. Nick," the car wont start. To which Zachary immediately yells, "DREW!!! YOU BROKE THE CAR!!!" Now usually he is to blame for almost everything, but not this time. The alternator broke. So here we sit in the parking lot, stranded, 3 days before Christmas, with no TV. Well, it comes on for 10 seconds then shuts off, giving Nate a 1 second delay to begin screaming about it. And to top it all off, Zachary gets the farts. Now our windows have all steamed up as Zachary hot boxes the van while we wait for Lindsey's parents to show for a ride back home. The van will now need to be towed and get a new alternator 2 days before Christmas. When we load the kids in the back of my mother-in-law's small sedan in the rain, Zachary gets caught on Nate's left leg which we think he broke on Saturday. (the x-ray was negative, but he still wont weight bear and has been crawling around everywhere.) So as Nate cries so hard he cant make a sound, Lindsey picks him up to cradle him. By the way, she also just found out she has a double ear infection. Sing with me now, "Its the most wonderful time of the year!"

I am not writing this blog for sympathy but for acknowledgement of "Really??!!" I mean, 3 days before Christmas? I can guarantee you this was not the kind of White Christmas Bing Crosby was dreaming of. More like a broken leg, double ear infection, broken alternator, Drew screaming, Zachary blaming, Nate Crying, Dutch Oven Christmas.

Looking forward to spending Christmas Eve with an x-ray technician and a car repair man,
The Joyful and Tired Dad

Why I am becoming more of a cat person.

2011-11-21T16:03:00.001-08:00

We have a puppy named Joey. Please click here to meet him. He has been wonderful. So cuddly and so loyal. He never wants to leave your side and must always be touching you wherever you go. But he is still a puppy. This is what I have been through in the last 24 hours.

Last night, I was changing Nate's horrendous, poopy diaper. I can't even tell you how bad it smelled. Its the kind of smell that the neighbors call the police to report a possible dead body in our house. All air traffic was diverted 100 miles from our house making it a no-fly zone. It killed more foliage than winter's first frost. Oscar the Grouch was offended by the stench. It was bad. It was the kind of diaper that you debate to either wipe him a 100 times with wipes, toss him directly in the bath or close up the diaper, call mom and pretend you didn't even know he pooped while you busy yourself with the other kids, leaving her to deal with it. (Some call that passing the buck, I call it smart parenting.) I decided to wipe and I used half a package of wipes to clean him up. Once finished he ran away naked and when that happens he has a tendency to pee whenever he feels a cool breeze, no matter where he is standing at the time. So I jump up, chase after him and get him into the tub, forgetting that I left the nasty diaper on the floor. Well after the short bath, I round the corner to get their clothes when I notice the diaper is not where I left it. I panic cause I already know what happened. And sure enough on the steps, I find my sweet puppy face-deep, enjoying a delicious poop snack. I yell at him, to which he looks up at me and his beard has changed from bright white to dark brown and wet. I luckily grab him before he can escape and throw him into his cage to deal with him later. After the kids go down, my wife and I give him a full body bath focusing on his poop-stache until he is clean.

We head downstairs and settle in to looking up Christmas ideas when I casually ask if Joey has gone out recently. Upon which I hear my wife gasp and say "NO!" I look up and he is standing on our family room chair and peeing down the front of it! She throws him off, grabs the cushion and heads for the sink while I throw him outside and get paper towels. At this point in the night, if I had previously been exposed to gamma radiation, I would be turning green and ripping off my shirt as I turned into the Hulk because of my anger. Parenting Fact #20: The day is not complete unless you have used Resolve at least once. Later, when my anger had subsided, I realized all he wanted to do was to show us how he could make a beautiful golden waterfall down the front of our furniture. How could I fault him for that?

The next morning, I am awoken to the sound of puppy dry heaves, puppy puking and bath water running, in that order. Apparently my wife who was awake saw that Joey started dry heaving, so in the dark she grabbed him and threw him into our bath tub where he did vomit. Well she proceeded to turn the water on to rinse it down not realizing in the dark that it was actually large chunks of hair and vomit, which in turn dissipated over the entire tub and clogged the drain! We believe this vomit episode came from him licking our other dog, who is a golden retriever with long hair, and gave him a hairball.

And then tonight, I let him outside to go potty. He has a leash attached to a sky hook in our backyard so he wont run away and we don't have to put up a fence, invisible or visible. It works great except he likes to run around the tree its attached to causing him to get tangled around the tree causing me to have to go out and unwind him from around the tree. He has not done this in awhile leading me to believe he grew out of it but I guess not. I go out to unravel him as he runs back around the tree reversing everything I am trying to do. When he finally gets free, he runs to the house, I chase after him and I step in dog poop....in my bare feet. And as I am washing the dog poop from in between my toes in the puke tub I realize, I am becoming a cat person.

Off to bathe myself in Clorox...again,
The Joyful and Tired Dad

Portrait of a Stay-At-Home Mom's Uniform

2011-10-02T16:37:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer: I have the highest respect for stay-at-home moms or SAHMs (as I will refer to them now.) Besides 'Deadliest Catch' crab fisherman and Bachelor contestant screener, they have one of the most difficult jobs in the world. Their job is 24/7 except for the occasional 'girls night out' and even then, they get 4-5 calls from their inept husbands asking where to find the diapers or the third child. So if you are a SAHM please don't take offense to this blog but know that I understand the high demands of this job keep you from the luxuries of life like showering and brushing your teeth everyday. And I also want to give a shout out to my wife who is able to put herself out there. She is an amazing wife and mother and I love her dearly especially for allowing this picture and blog.

1. Disheveled Hair - The standard hair style of the stay-at-home mom is the loose, greasy pony tail with wispies in the front and half of it falling out. The loose ponytail is the best hair style to put up quick because one kid is punching the other while the third is walking around with the toilet plunger. Its also the best style used to hide the roots, split-ends and inevitable grey hair that you know is coming too soon.

2. Glasses - Because you ain't got no time for contacts. What is easier: moving your glasses from the top of your head to your eyes or searching for an hour through a laundry basket of random toys for a contact because your 3 year old hit you in the face with a pillow knocking it out.

3. The Obligatory Thumbs Up - Because when all is going wrong, and it will go wrong, you must still put on the happy face and thumbs up to show that all is still OK. Because if you lose it, the children will lose it more. And you must not show weakness. They can smell weakness and devour it.

4. The Baggy, Black Sweatshirt - One of the 3 standards of every SAHM's uniform. It must be baggy because no mom wants to wear something tight or uncomfortable. When the child grabs onto the baggy sweatshirt, you need the ability to slip it off and run away before they even know you are gone. And it must be black to hide all the stains you will acquire during the day. (not 'might' acquire but 'will' acquire.) If you wore a white sweatshirt you would look like a messy painter or bad chef, more than a mom. (if you look close enough at the picture, you will see the stains.)

5. The Baggy, Black Stretch Pants - The 2nd standard of the SAHM uniform. Baggy and black for all of the same reasons for the sweatshirt. Another reason is that you can wear them for multiple days in a row before smell or guilt causes you to wash them. They are the most versatile item in a SAHM's wardrobe because you can sleep in them, wake up, keep them on through church, wear them to the gym, take a shower and put them back on to lounge in them at home, go out with the girls at night and then go back to bed with them on, ready to go for the next day. My wife informed me that she has officially lost count of when these were last washed.

6. Socks - unknown of when last changed but surprisingly matching. The typical sock pair of the SAHM needs to be one long, white tube sock and one yellow anklet with holes in the toes.

7. Dog at the feet - If it is not a child, there is always a dog at your feet. They especially like to be around your feet in the kitchen when you are carrying a heavy pot of boiling water or a giant serving platter full of 'time-consuming' appetizers for that dinner party your husband signed you up for bringing appetizers but forgot to mention until that day. And yet the dog is never around when you are 15 minutes late to said dinner party and you need to let them out before you go.

8. Attached child at the hip (not shown) - The 3rd standard of every SAHM's uniform. Every mom has at least one child touching them at all times. Either carrying the baby around cause its easier to carry than to repeatedly pull them off the kitchen table or the toddlers who want something to eat for breakfast, who could easily get cereal for themselves but once they start looking, they grab hot dogs or chips and you think, "Well, hot dogs are protein and from a pig just like bacon and chips were once potatoes and they make hash browns out of potatoes so hot dogs and chips sounds like a great breakfast and I want to avoid the fight and whining that would ensue once I take it away and its only 8:00 and I have been up for 3 hours already because the 3 year old needed help in the bathroom at 5 in the morning and refused to go back to sleep and was too loud so he woke up the other 2 kids, so now my day begins at 5:00 a.m. and my husband isn't even awake yet who starts work at 9:00 so now I will be pulling a double shift today when he gets home from work at 6 and yet I will still have to do the bedtime routine because 'He will be tired from a long day at work' and then after all the kids are down and it is finally 'my time'..... he wants sex. So hot dogs and chips for breakfast are just fine by me."

Thank you stay-at-home moms. Wear what ever you want,
The Joyful and Tired Dad.

Allen Family Quiz: Wedding Edition

2011-09-18T16:15:00.000-07:00

Please respond to the questions who you think performed the actions at Saturday's wedding using the following answer key:
A: Zachary
B: Drew
C: Nate
D: All of the above
E: None of the above

1): Didn't realize it was a wedding until 15 minutes into the ceremony because he was to busy trying to sit by his cousins to look up

2): During the wedding, asked, "How old is Jesus?" And when he received the answer of "around 2000 years old", then responded, "That's a lot of Christmases!"

3): During the quiet wedding processional, when finally completing the children's maze on the bulletin shouted, "Booyah!"

4): Did not last 5 minutes into the ceremony until had to be taken into the parlor.

5): Lasted the whole ceremony until the last 10 minutes when the bride and groom were releasing rows, saw his grandpa 2 rows up and decided to crawl under the pews but was restrained, hanging by his one arm by his embarrassed father causing him to scream in frustration.

6): Fell asleep on the way to the reception.

7): Walked around during cocktail hour stealing meatballs off other people's plates and drinking other people's coke when they weren't looking.

8): Sat quietly at the table waiting patiently as the wedding party came in, had an engaging conversation with the other people at our table, impressing them with their manners and good behavior, and making their parents so proud of their little angels.

9): Climbed a chair to climb onto a table to stand on said table to grab a handful of mints and shove them in their mouth before mom could reach him.

10): Repeatedly refilled their own glass with self-serve Sprite equaling around 5 glasses before stopped by his all-too trusting father with a self serve Sprite station.

11): Screamed in his highchair so all in a 1000 foot radius could hear until let down to then run around screaming for all to see and hear in a 1000 foot radius.

12): When dinner came, decided to forgo the silverware and use both hands to shovel in the buttered noodles, again impressing the fellow table guests.

13): At dinner, realized that slapping your brothers is funny.

14): When dancing began, never left the dance floor.

15:) Favorite dance move was sliding across the dance floor like sliding into home plate.

16:) Favorite dance move was the crotch punch and the butt hole poke.

17): When dancing began, used the distraction to get into tree lights, DJ's disco lights, climb under tables, steal candy off other people's tables, punch his Uncle in the butt, and sometimes dance.

18): Climbed under a table with his cousin almost knocking over an entire tray full of plates, missing it by 2 inches, but still giving his dad a heart attack.

19): When the candy table was revealed, did not touch a single piece of candy because candy is bad for you and only chose to eat healthy food like okra and bran.

20): As the night continued on into the night and the kids started getting tired, their fatigue showed in each boy by:
1): revving up and becoming more hyper
2): started screaming more
3): becoming more romantic

21): Taken to the ladies room and when told not to touch the feminine hygiene trash can with his hands, rubbed his head on it.

22): Stayed up 4 hours past their bed time and still woke up at 7 in the morning.

Answer key:
1 - A
2 - A
3 - B
4 - C
5 - B
6 - C
7 - B
8 - E
9 - B
10 - B
11 - C
12 - B
13 - C
14 - D
15 - A
16 - B or C
17 - B
18 - B
19 - E
20 - 1: B 2: C 3: A (he kept hugging and laying on his cousin)
21 - B
22 - D

Thank you for taking the Allen Family Quiz: Wedding Edition. If you scored above 90%, you get an A and you get to take them to the next wedding. Congratulations!

The Joyful and Tired Dad

Like Hansel and Gretel without the Cannibalism

2011-09-04T18:04:00.000-07:00

Do you have a relative, most likely a grandma, whose house you love to go visit because there are tons and tons of food and candy and sweets readily available to gorge yourself on? Well that is my parent's house. If you were to look into my mom's pantry at any given moment you would find at least: 8 boxes of different cereal, 5 types of chocolate candy bars, 7 bags of chips, and 3-4 store bought cookie packages. And in the freezer/fridge: 10 varieties of pop, refridgerated candy bars, frozen pizza, 5 bags of frozen homemade cookies, ice cream, chocolate and caramel fudge sauce, and some kind of homemade cake or pie. But these are not generic food products like Yammy Cola or Bob's funtime cookies. We are talking Doritos, Oreos, Mountain Dew, Fritos, Lucky Charms, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Heath bars, M&Ms, etc. My mom is very brand loyal. Except when it comes to ice cream. You would think she would have Ben and Jerrys or Homemade or even Breyers. But its always Kroger Brand 'Private Selection' ice cream. My mom is the true modern day Old Woman from the Hansel and Gretel story without the need to eat children and there were too many code violations when using gingerbread rather than drywall. But I digress.

You know this if you have a mom or grandma with this kind of spread in their house, but everytime we go over there, after saying hello, everyone goes into the kitchen and opens the pantry or fridge. And no one is immune to it. I have seen everyone of my syblings and their spouses and their children do it when coming to my parent's house. But the thing is, you go even if you are not hungry. We went over there today and as soon as we walked in the house, my wife and I both unaware went to the pantry and started pulling stuff out to eat. It was 10:30 and I ate breakfast at 9:30. I wasn't hungry but it doesn't matter. Its the "Pull of the Pantry." Like some kind of unnatural tractor beam that sucks you in and makes you gorge yourself on food you dont even want but you eat because its there. I walked in today (remember 1 hour after breakfast) and I was eating Doritos, chocolate wafer cookies, Mountain Dew, and homemade Rolo cookies. I stopped and asked myself 'why am I eating when I am not hungry?' to which my stomach replied, "well you just had a dorito chip so lets finish with something sweet and we will be finished." So I ate a cookie. But the Dortio bag was still out so I had another chip. Then again my stomach reminded me I needed to finish with something sweet, so another cookie later I was looking for more doritos to keep up this pattern. You would think my mind would be screaming at me to stop or suffer the repercussions but while my mouth was busy chewing and my stomach was busying growing, my mind was thinking, "so lunch is in an hour, what are we going to have for desert?" Its a sickness. And after the binge-fest, while talking with my wife I come to a stunning realization: I grew up in this house, why am I not 500 pounds? Its not like we didnt have all this food growing up. I guess when its always around you can pace yourself but when you come to visit and its not what you are used to at your own house, it turns into an 'all you can eat' contest with yourself. And let me tell you, you always win...or lose, depending what the scale says after a visit.

But you can always justify indulging in the guilt-inducing smorgasborg of crap by one statement that has been used to justify binge eating by cruise goers for years: "Hey, its vacation!"

The Joyful and Tired Dad

The Trip that Never Was

2011-08-27T17:25:00.000-07:00

We planned to go on a trip to Cincinnati to visit my brother's family and attend my nephew's birthday party. But something I have learned as a parent is that "we planned" and "we did" are two totally different statements and too many things can happen to prevent the "we planned" from becoming a "we did." Needless to say, I am now writing this blog and not enjoying birthday cake at this moment. So let me tell you how "the trip that never was" happened.

I guess it all started with an apple.

I thankfully went to work this Saturday morning. A lot of you may be saying, "why were you thankful to work, its a Saturday?" But then there are the parents out there saying, "you lucky dog, you got away from the children. How can I work on Saturday? Is McDonalds looking for weekend shifts?" While at work, I get the dreaded '3 calls in a row.' The '3 calls in a row' means 1 of 3 things: blood, puke, or nervous breakdown ('maternal' nervous breakdown.) I get a chance to return the calls and my wife tells me a story that Nate, the 22 month old, was walking around eating an apple. Now we have a hole in our upstairs wall in the shape of my wife's size 6 shoe which is a result from a previous '3 calls in a row' moment. But it was not for the reason of blood or puke. Draw your own conclusions; it was just one of those days. Anyway, the hole has been there for 2 years and it is out of the way so I have not gotten around to fixing it because its going to take more than a little putty on the wall. So Lindsey was upstairs and hears Nate saying "Apple? Apple?" She turns around and Nate is standing with his arm down the hole asking for her to get his apple he has now dropped down the hole and could have probably fallen 1 whole story to within our staircase in the wall. Needless to say, our house will soon have the rich aroma of fresh apples like an aromatic Glade Plug-in which will eventually then turn into the putrid smell of rotting apple and mold exuding from behind our walls.

On the way home from work, I stop and pick up my car from the repair shop. It had a rattling sound in the engine which turned out to be a loose alternator bolt which was fixed (important for later.) The plan was to leave for Cincinnati as soon as I got home so the 2 younger boys could take their naps in the car. And since my car was fixed, we thought we would save some money on gas and load the 3 car seats into my Honda Civic instead of the minivan to take the 2 hour car trip. I barely fit the seats all into the backseat, but I did it. We are looking to save money anywhere we can including on food. So for lunch, Lindsey had made perogies for me and the kids but forgot I was picking up my car. An hour later when I got home, the perogies had turned into a rubber-coated pasta filled with a cold gelatinous mass that used to be spinach and feta cheese. I literally had to use a steak knife to cut into them cause a fork couldn't do it. Of course the kids hated them so they had tortilla wraps with turkey and Drew had a peanut butter tortilla roll-up. I ask for some tortillas to make a quesadilla but she used the last one on the kids. Well they didn't finish their roll-ups, and because there was no other food in the house, I took their half-eaten roll-ups, ate the half-eaten slices of turkey, and put cheese on the half-eaten tortilla shells. And as I am scraping the peanut butter off of Drew's, I think to myself, "We are by no means poor. Why am I recycling tortilla shells?" So my lunch is made up of rubber perogies and half-eaten, recycled, peanut butter tasting quesadillas. On the island in our kitchen is the last slice of turkey I am thinking for one of our kids since they were still hungry. But while I am thinking this, Lindsey comes over, picks it up and feeds it to the dog! While choking down perogies I yell, "Why is the dog eating better than I am?" To which my wife stands there and pees herself laughing at me. And at the same time, Drew comes up to inform me Joey, our puppy, just pooped behind the couch. Then Zachary tells us he is hungry, so Lindsey decides it would be a good idea to get McDonalds for the kids on the way out of town, to which I dump the remaining rubber lunch in the garbage.

So we all load up the civic, 3 kids in the back and luggage in the trunk, and leave for Cincinnati. We stop at McDonalds and my wife gets out to retrieve her purse from the trunk. I know the trunk latch tends to not always connect so it takes some slamming of the trunk to close, which she tries but it doesn't close. I give the kids the 20 piece mcnugget bag and I go out to close the trunk. But it wont close. I started slamming and slamming and slamming. But it will not latch. So I try more slamming, while Drew and Nate start banging on the windows to imitate the slamming trunk. Now I am just slamming it in anger when a random stranger comes over to try his luck. But it still wont close. So we drive to a nearby fire station to get duct tape to build up the latch to try to get it to connect. But no luck there, so the fireman graciously duct tapes my trunk closed. And while this is happening, the 6 and 3 year old have an embarrassing screaming match with one another in front of the fireman because the boys are literally 6 inches apart from one another. I get back in the car frustrated at the whole situation and ready for my chicken mcnuggets to find out that my 3 wonderful children left me 3 nuggests out of the 20 piece. I am surprised though that my wife didn't save some, not for me but for the dog. So we begin to drive home to figure out this trunk thing when after some debate, we decide the duct tape will hold so lets just keep going. Well we make it another 5 miles down the road and guess what...the rattling that was fixed this morning is back again! And it is worse than before. When I call the auto repair shop, they state that they are closing in the next 10 minutes and tell me to bring it in on Monday. Knowing we wont make it down to Cincinnati safely, we turn around again and head home for the last time. At this point, we are 10 minutes from home and look in the backseat to see all 3 children asleep. I don't know about you but our children do not transition well from the car to their beds. A 15-20 minute car nap typically replaces the usual 2 hour bed nap leaving the children exhausted, frustrated and in bad moods for the rest of the day which causes the parents to be exhausted, frustrated and in worse moods. So at seeing our 3 little sleeping angels knowing that in 10 minutes when we get home they will be 3 screaming devils, I look to my wife and say, "I hate this day. I really do." We get home and carry the 2 younger ones up to their beds to which they immediately wake up and both start crying. Lindsey grabs Zachary to take to a friends house, but we all know she is escaping, and I am left with the 2 remaining screaming banshees. But by God's grace they both fall asleep again in 5 minutes with little parental interaction. Because if not, I might have still made the trip, alone.

And side note, tonight Joey, our puppy, decided to leave a giant pee spot at the top of our stairs literally 5 minutes after spending 30 minutes outside, which I walked through twice.

So that was our trip that never was. We spent 2 hours in the car, drove 15 miles and ended where we began...without cake.

So next time you "plan" a trip, think to yourself, "Can't they just come here?"

The Joyful and Tired Dad

It seemed like a good idea at the time: Part 2 - a pictorial

2011-08-18T16:46:00.000-07:00

"We need a new puppy. It would be the best thing for this family right now." "Our current dog needs a companion, someone to play with to keep her company." "There is no greater gift you can give a child than a puppy to grow up with." All of these statements were said to talk Daddy into 10-12 year commitment of chewed up clothes, furniture, and fingers, brown and yellow stained carpet, late night/early morning barking sessions, 3 in the morning potty breaks, $300 vet bills, and a fortune spent on Resolve carpet cleaner; otherwise known as ... a puppy. His name is Joey, a Shipoo but who I have lovingly nicknamed "Suck Puppy." Because he may be half shitzhu and half poodle but he is all 'Suck.' But instead of me describing it to you I thought I would present a pictorial for your viewing pleasure. Enjoy!

Don't let the looks fool you (like it did us), this is what he is capable of:

I am just glad he's cute,
The Joyful and Tired Dad

And coming soon: It seemed like a good idea at the time: Part 3 - The Children

So There is a Downside to 6 Pounds of Candy?

2011-08-02T17:38:00.000-07:00

So as you know from my last post, our nephews have been staying with us ages 7 and 9. We have been doing many fun things with them they normally don’t get to do and actually our kids don’t get to do either. Like tent camping in our backyard, vacation bible school in the mornings, watching Netflix movies, and having ice cream for dinner. That was a fun night. Side story: We went to Menchies, which is a self-serve soft serve ice cream joint where you can pick from 12 different flavors then choose from 50 different toppings to add. So my oldest nephew, Ben went ballistic in there. For one, it was ice cream for dinner so that is all we had. No protein, no veggies, no bread, only candy, ice cream and hot fudge sauce. So anyway, Ben loaded his bowl with about 20 ounces of ice cream and then topped it with Butterfinger, snickers, white chocolate chips, Oreos, and then my favorites, gummy worms and sour patch kids. So he covered the 4 basic food groups: ice cream, chocolate, cookies, and sour fruit flavored gummies. It was a balanced dinner. Lindsey tried a bite and almost threw up. But he loved it and ate the whole thing. So needless to say it was a week of sugar-filled outings. Which brings me to the final story of the week.

We decided to take them to see the new Smurfs movie at the theater. Since we all wanted to watch the movie instead of chasing around a 20 month old, we got a babysitter for Nate. So we took the 4 oldest boys, Ben (9), Will (7), Zachary (6) and Drew (3). Rather than taking out a second mortgage on our house to pay for movie theater candy we decided to take them to Giant Eagle to pick up some store bought candy. But not just any store bought candy….bulk candy. We had passed the bulk candy aisle earlier in the week and you must have thought we walked past an aisle containing the Ten Commandments, the Holy Grail, and Jesus himself stocking the aisles, the way my nephews looked at the bulk candy. They asked “Is that all candy? Are you serious?” So on movie day, we take them to this bulk candy aisle from heaven, give them each a bag and tell them they have 5 minutes to fill it up and then we are leaving. It was like a scene from Supermarket Sweep. They were grabbing handfuls of this and handfuls of that. Whatever they could grab and move on to the next thing. Everyone was grabbing whatever they could except for Zachary who would take 2 pieces here and 2 pieces there, not wanting to overdo it. As a parent I want to take pride in his humbleness and restraint, but as an American I want to say “Are you crazy? Grab as much as you can. Overindulge. It’s our way. It’s the American way.” We eventually have to tell him to put a little more in his bag because he literally had 4 pieces of candy. Because once that was gone then I would be buying movie theater candy and the Senate would need to vote to raise my debt limit too. So at the end of the shopping spree, we had 6 bags of candy and funny thing was Drew the smallest of them all, had the biggest bag. So I take the candy to be weighed and check out and grand total was 6 pounds of candy for 6 people, 4 of them under 10 years old. What could go wrong?

We go to the theater and put all the candy in Lindsey’s purse, only realizing after the fact that we should have brought a small carry-on bag with roller wheels on it to hold all the candy. So with a strained back and a determined mind to save money, Lindsey hauls the duffel bag, I mean purse into the theater. We get our seats and begin watching the movie with no incident. Everyone has their bag and everyone is happy. Well Lindsey brought the sugary Kool Aid juice drinks to the theater for our drinks. Why not water? I was wondering the same thing too but what could go wrong with a little more sugar? You see where this is going? Yeah but which one? Well half way through the movie, Lindsey who is sitting by Drew cuts him off from his bag. He had been gorging himself on whatever he could find in his bag of treats. But this also made him thirsty. So I come to find out later that in the course of 1 hour she had given him 3 juice drinks, on top of the massive amounts of candy. Well he starts burping. And burping. So Lindsey tells him, “Stop burping or you are going to throw….” Splash!!! That’s all I hear at the other end of the row. I look down and she is doing what every great parent does in a crisis: send them to the other parent. So she is holding up his blanket to his mouth while he is continuing to throw up black, juicy chocolaty, gummy puke and Ben who was on the other side of him is high tailing it out of there toward me, looking back and saying “Drew, quit throwing up on me!” He gets to me crying and I grab the back of his shirt (the only part not covered in puke) and usher him out to the lobby. Now please note, this was during the climax of the movie, Gargamel was about to get his, and no one I repeat, NO ONE made a move when a 3 year old was puking his guts out behind and beside them. They all sat there and watched the movie! Even the family of three that Drew and I had to squeeze past at the end of our aisle even blinked an eye away from the screen to notice the boys with the projectile vomit! I am sorry, but I could be watching Harry battle Voldemort for the final time and I will flip backward over my seat if I see a puking child coming at me in real life. Anyway, I take Drew to the bathroom and clean him up. The shirt is a lost cause so I pitch it in the garbage and I second guess doing the same to the pants but like a good parent I don’t think I put him in underwear today so I can’t bring a naked child out of the bathroom to our car. But I can bring a shirtless one. While I am cleaning up, the other boys show up at the bathroom to shower off from the puke bath. Lindsey gets a large garbage bag from the manager and apologizes for our irresponsibility and puts his blanket in the bag. During this whole cleanup process, Will turns to Lindsey and asks, “So are we going back in the movie to watch the end?” To which she replies, “No buddy. I hope we never see those people in there again.” The humor was lost on him but the truth of it made me laugh. To which I replied, “That was Smurfin’ gross. So you’re telling me there is a downside to 6 pounds of candy.” And she says, “Fa la la la la la…blaaaaauuuuu (vomit noise).”
So it was too bad we missed the end of the movie but in retrospect, it was those around us that lost the most. The first half of the movie was spent having their chairs kicked by 4 super hyper sugar infused children and the second half smelling the stomach contents of a super hyper sugar infused child. So we all learned a valuable lesson. Lindsey learned the sugar limits of a 3 year old and that water is always better than juice. Drew learned that too much of a good thing is a bad thing. Zachary and Will learned that picking your feet up avoids changing your shoes and socks later. Ben learned that he the best way to avoid projectile vomit is to not stand in front of it. And I learned the next time I want to save money; we will go to the dollar theater.

Hoping you know your limits because we now know Drew’s,
The Joyful and Tired Dad

It seemed like a good idea at the time

2011-07-29T16:09:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had this great idea for an activity or outing with your kids that you think is the best idea and everyone would have so much fun, including you. But when the activity takes place, it turns out to be the most horrible idea, you immediately regret your decision, and you think to yourself, “what in the world was I thinking?!?” Well when this happens, ask yourself this: What was the situation when this seemingly wonderful idea came to me? I’ll give you a firsthand example of what I mean.

This week we have had our 2 nephews stay with us for a fun summer vacation for them and for our kids as well. They are 9 and 7 years old…boys. So in our house this week are 5 boys ages 9,7,6,3, and 1. Well there is one decision that might have seemed like a good idea at the time but I guarantee was made under controlled circumstances, by my wife. Another decision that was made this week was to set up our tent in the backward and have the older boys sleep outside for a night; also an idea from my wife. But this decision was also made in a controlled environment during a controlled time period. What I mean by this is that this decision was made after dinner, kids in bed, in the house while sitting on the couch in our living room. So in other words: our bellies were full, we were well rested, the kids were not annoying us or super hyper but asleep, and we were on comfortable furniture in the air conditioning. So pretty much the exact opposite of camping outside in a tent. Of course, tent camping with the children sounds like a great idea at the time. My suggestion is this: Before making a decision like tent camping, put yourself as close as you can in that situation and then consider if it is a good idea. Like for tent camping, lock yourself in a sauna, line the floor with rocks, wrap yourself in a sleeping bag, give 3 boys under ten 2 pounds of sugar each, put them on top of you and then turn out the lights. Now make the decision if tent camping is a good idea.

Here is the story:
We plan to set up the tent and camp outside on Wednesday night, so in the afternoon we all go outside to set up the tent.

The first inclination that this might not be the best idea is that while we set up the tent, the temperature reaches 95 degrees outside. And quick correction, I said we, I meant me. Because halfway through putting the poles into place, the boys thought it was too hot so they went inside.

Also, I haven’t mowed the grass in 2 weeks due to the heat of the day and the day before, the boys played outside in the water tearing up the grass with the slip and slide and soaking the grass making it un-mowable. After the tent is set up, our plan is to rent a movie and watch it in the tent. But because it was so hot outside, we decide to watch it inside in the air conditioning. So we watch Rango and the kids love it.

At this point it is 8:00 and time for bed for the 2 younger boys. It was at this point when my wife thinks, “Let’s keep this party going and have the older boys sleep outside tonight. And not only that, lets rent another movie for them to watch. And not only that, you get to watch the movie and sleep outside with them too since I have to stay in the house with the little kids.” So she goes out to rent movie #2 and I gather all the sleeping bags to take outside.

I take our computer outside to watch the movie in the tent. So the 3 boys and I load into the tent and turn the movie on. At this point it is 9:15. I am thinking “ok, I know it’s late but that means we could be asleep by the end of the movie at 11:15.” But at 9:45 I call Lindsey from the tent to inform her that we have been watching previews for the last half an hour! You may be asking, “Why didn’t you skip them?” Fact is I tried and the computer messed up and we had to start them over again, so therefore we had to watch them through, all 30 minutes of them. So now, it will be midnight when the movie is over and we can go to sleep. While the movie plays, I go inside to get drinks and stay hydrated because the tent is reaching 3 digit temperatures. And not only that but when it became too dark to see outside, our dog decided to poop in the yard somewhere, and it was now wafting into the tent and the poop stench began to mix with the sweaty boy smell. When inside, I inform my wife of the “fun” we are having to which she begins to laugh and pee her pants at my misery. So what drinks did I get? Why sugar-loaded juice drinks of course. Why not at 10:30 at night? I thought it would go well with the cookies and popcorn they had during their first movie.

The movie ended around 11:30 (thanks Yogi Bear for being short) and the boys were now to giddy and sugar high to sleep. So let the arm fart contest commence! I learned some valuable arm fart techniques from my 7 year old nephew Will, that it only works if your arm pit is real sweaty in which they all were, so it was quite a concert at 11:30 at night. So I make the declaration at 11:45: “if you are all still awake at midnight, we are going inside to sleep.” Within 5 minutes, they were all sleeping…except me. Because I didn’t mow the grass, my space in the tent had random grass clumps sporadically placed around my body so nowhere I moved was comfortable. Not to mention the fact, that I did not have a sleeping bag but a small comforter. I highly recommend using a comforter to wrap yourself in when it is 90+ degrees outside. I finally fell to sleep out of pure exhaustion at 12:45 no matter what I was sleeping on. And the next day, wouldn’t you know it everyone woke up at 6:15 in the morning with the morning light. Now I know they can all have careers as famers when they get older because they are on the same sleep schedule.

So next time you have some grandiose plan like tent camping with your children in the dead of summer “for the memories” try to make yourself as uncomfortable as possible like sleeping on a bed of nails in a giant oven, and then reconsider your “good idea.” Or afterward you might be saying “it seemed like a good idea at the time.”

Now I’m off to plan some “good ideas” for my wife,
The Joyful and Tired Dad

The Great American Past Time: Time Killing

2011-07-04T16:10:00.000-07:00

So what do you do when you have a 3 day holiday weekend for the 4th of July, you want to avoid the crowds and heat at the parade, the fireworks are too late at night for your children,you already had your super fun picnic on Saturday and were busy all day outside on Sunday but now its Monday, and nothing good is on TV? The same thing our forefathers did with their families ~200 years ago: Kill time until bed time!

You know our forefathers were also fathers. When they were not fighting revolutionary wars or framing our constitution and setting a government of the people for the people, they were at home brainstorming with their wives how to kill time until bed just like we do today. I mean you can only take a horseback ride or throw sticks into the creek for so long until the kids want to do something else. Life back then was rough. Think about it, they didn't even have Nick Jr. Nick Jr. is like pre-school 24 hours a day 7 days a week. They had the school marm who had to teach 100 kids grades first through 12 the same lesson in an 8'x 8' school house. No wonder so many dropped out by the sixth grade! They probably heard the same lesson 6 times at that point. Of course I am basing all my assumptions on Little House on the Prairie and if I were in their situation, if I had to be in the same class with Nelly I either drop out or opt for home schooling. But I digress. Point being, time killing has been around since the foundation of this country and before. I am surprised it wasn't included in the Bill of Rights, "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of time killing or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom to do anything deemed necessary and fair during the day to kill time with your children until their appointed bed time which shall not intercede or overlap into the Parent's God-given right to watch CSI or the Bachelor and therein to judge said Bachelor for his douchbaggery and pretentiousness."

I must say we had originally had plans to go to the parade in the morning. But after waking up 6:30 and already dealing with cranky toddlers who had bickered for a straight 2 hours, the thought of fighting traffic and huge crowds and blistering heat or rain showers to watch a parade, if you even get a spot toward the street, that may or may not throw candy from the floats but will generously hand out paper advertisements for Karate or Dance Studios or your local congressman/judge/county auditor/sheriff and then leaving the area traffic will cause you make it home 15 minutes after they have all fallen asleep in the car exchanging a 15 minute nap for their normal 2 hour nap in their own beds causing you to also miss out on your nap time/off-duty parent time, did not seen worth the trip to a parade today. So instead we have good intentions to take them and our new puppy to the dog park. That went well for 10 minutes until Nate wanted to get down to play with the strange dogs, including the Jack Russel Terrier who growled and nipped at every dog in there including our 7 month old ferocious shi-poo 7 lbs attack puppy. So the 25 minute car ride was worth the 10 minute dog park time.

From there we were able to make it back to the house with everyone staying awake and taking advantage of the much needed "nap time/Adult swim." We were all able to take naps, some shorter than others (sorry Lindsey) due to a 6 year old who hates naps as much as broccoli. But I got to take one, God bless America! When we were all awake, we decided to brave the place only daring or selfish parents attempt to take their children: the movie theater. We loaded up on snacks, candy, and sippy cups and set out for the dollar theater. Dollar theater because we were honest with ourselves knowing we might not make it through the whole thing and it is easier to leave a $3 theater bill versus a $60 AMC spend-a-thon after tickets and snacks. We took the 20 month old for his first movie, Rio. Nate was on my lap and everything was going well for the first bag of M&Ms, then Nate started to get fidgety. At this point here is the tally for what was covered in chocolate from Nate's M&Ms: his hands, his face, his hair, his forehead, his clothes, my arms, my shirt, my pants, the movie chair, and the bottom of his left shoe. The candy that melts in your mouth not in you hand, my foot! No really, it was on my foot too! Nate was then given a sucker which he proceeded to touch my arm and face with until he got upset about being on my lap and threw it 10 feet down the aisle. Of course that was after he took his shoe off and also tossed that on the floor. So what did I do when M&Ms and suckers no longer satisfy? That's right, send him down to Mommy. She was already dealing with Drew who was also fidgety and had consumed his own 3000 calories in chocolate and licorice. Nate wanted to sit on the folding movie seat but due to his light weight, fell between the seat and back of the chair and got stuck. I then had to pull him out while Lindsey is telling me to find his second shoe on the floor that he had removed. So I am now on my hands and knees in the dollar theater feeling around in the dark finding nothing but used sucker sticks and wet M&Ms that went into the mouth but then fell out, only to find out Nate still had his second shoe on his foot! So being sticky, covered in chocolate, sucker sticks, and something green, feeling a sugar headache approaching, Nate beginning to scream uncontrollably, Drew unable to sit in one place for 2 seconds, and Zachary talking to the screen like he was the only one there, it was time to leave. We walked out of the theater and saw that Nate had what looked like dried blood all over his hands and forehead! But after licking his head I found it to be melted red candy coating. Zachary then asked if we were going back in to finish the movie to which Lindsey responded "No, we wanted to leave early to make sure we beat the crowds coming out of the theater and make it to our car first." She is so funny and he bought it. The best part of the movie trip: it took us right up to bath and bed time. They had so much crap food at the movies, we pumped them full of carrots for dinner and sent them off to bed.

Avoided a parade, check. Visited the dog park, check. Got a nap, check. Attempted a family movie, check. No blood, only M&Ms, check. Children in bed by 7:30, check. Time killed today, check. Showered and unsticky, not checked.

Thank you forefathers for being fathers too,
The Joyful and Tired Dad

2 out of 3 ain't bad!

2011-06-30T17:04:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had one of those moments that seem so perfectly timed that you swear your kids planned ahead of time and you are the one looking childish? I had one of those moments tonight at Tae Kwon Do.

So Lindsey went to get a new pair of glasses and said I should take the 3 boys to Zachary's Tae Kwon Do practice. Sure, no problem, what could go wrong, I thought. Of course, forgetting that I had 3 boys under the age of 6 that don't sit still or listen or obey. But besides that, it should be easy. Well, I came prepared with snacks, drinks, and the secret weapon. Zachary went in to practice and the two bleachers full of parents filled up to watch the practice. I sat down with my 2 little angels, we were watching Z, and everything was great... for those 2 minutes. Then Drew wanted the snacks. Out of the 45 minute practice, snacks were supposed to come in play at minute 18 on the "Distractability Timeline." Followed by drinks, play area, short walk, snacks again, drinking fountain, and then bounce up and down if there was still time left. We were way ahead of schedule! Well drinks were immediately asked for at minute 4! I should have known cause snacks were salty pretzels. Always plan your foods with your drinks, never separate. Know that with salty foods, drinks come sooner, but with candy and gum, drinks can be delayed cause they want the sugar taste to remain in their mouth as long as possible. Rookie mistake. Well after this, Nate, who I had been holding, wanted down. I thought he would stay right by us. I thought wrong. He thought, "how many times can I pass by these rows of parents and their well-behaved children until they start judging my daddy?" (The answer is 5, by the way.) So I now began the 'Great Nate Race.' Drew luckily was still following the timeline and had begun playing in the play area they have there. Still ahead of schedule but following it. And I say "play area" loosely. Its a partition behind the row of parents with 3 wall bead activity toys and 2 "map" rugs. Once I caught Nate, I brought him back from the rows of parents to this play area, which entertained him for 10 seconds until the race re-commenced. At this point, I am calling Lindsey to find out how she is doing and to do my job as a dad with all the kids: complain about it. But while I am on the phone, Nate runs into the bathroom and decides to check to check the water temperature in the men's bathroom's toilet. To which I say to Lindsey, "I gotta go." I wash his hands and arms up to the shoulders and find that the blower in the bathroom provides me with a good 2 minutes of distraction for him. Not on the timeline but you have to improvise. At this point, Drew decides he wants to have a race too. So with Nate in my arms, he begins to run around in front of these parents, to prove to them that its not my child who is the problem but it is the father! Oh and I had Lindsey on the phone at the time, and when Drew took off I once again said "I gotta go." I even had to count to Drew to come back: 1.....2.... and luckily he came back because he and I both didn't know what was going to happen at 3. I get them both to the play area to try snacks again and to call Lindsey back but Nate runs away around the corner and returns with some random mom's cell phone in his hand. I grab it and luckily return before she even notices. I see Drew is about to run again so I bring out the secret weapon: the ipod touch. Steve Jobs, the CEO of Apple, confessed in an interview that the sole reason for the invention of the iphone or ipod was to distract children in public. Thats not true but I am sure it was a welcome side effect for Apple. Well Drew loves it and it works for him. But not for Nate. He continues his class on Parent Humiliation 101, by almost running into the dojo itself and joining Zachary's class.

Luckily the 45 minute class ended (in Parent Time it lasted 8 hours), and Zachary came out. It was at this point, the moment happened. The perfectly timed moment that was so seamless and precise, it had to be pre-meditated by the 3 of them. They were all at my feet, and all at once, they split and ran in 3 different directions! It was in this split second I think 3 things: 1) Oh my gosh, don't freak out, 2) Which one do I go after? and deep down, subconsciously 3) Which one is hardest to replace? So seeing that Nate is headed for the women's bathroom to check the pH levels in that toilet, I go after him first. Luckily Drew who ran toward the door, realized no one was with him. And he knows that doing something bad and disobedient is not worth it unless someone is there to witness it, turns around to get his witness and follows Zachary into the men's bathroom. So with Nate in my arms, Drew by the hand and kneeing Zachary toward the door, I declare, "We are leaving!" But of course, Drew wiggles out of my hand, Zachary takes off through the crowd of parents toward the front door and Nate begins screaming to let him down to run too. I am fed up at this time and just want to grab someone else's well-behaved children and head home. Because at this point, I am thinking "I came with 3 and if I can get at least 2 of my children home, then you know 2 out of 3 ain't bad." Well, I managed to get all 3 before we reached the front door and we all returned home in one piece.

So at the end of the day, we all learned something. Drew learned that Daddy is full of empty threats and he is all talk and no number 3. Nate learned that toilet water is 10 degrees colder than room temperature. Zachary learned that her prefers to have mom take him to class. And I learned that I agree with him.

Hoping you have an only child that can't conspire with their siblings,
The Joyful and Tired Dad

"Quick. Get the camera!"

2011-06-22T16:59:00.000-07:00

"Quick. Get the camera!" In parent speak, it means, "The kids just did something so funny or unbelievably cute and we must catch it on film to share with everyone." But in kid speak, it means, "Stop whatever it was you were just doing, forget the last 15 minutes, and whatever electronic device they bring into the room, stare blankly at it and for goodness sake, do not repeat anything you just did!" The next greatest invention would be an invisible implant video recording device implanted into the head of a parent, so at a click of a button, it would begin taping whatever you are watching without the int eruption of running to grab a camera or letting the child see the recording device. For some scientific reason that has not been proven yet, a certain hormone is released in a child whenever they see a recording device. A child will first stop all previous activity that said device was trying to capture and 2 things will happen: 1) their brain goes numb and they will stare blankly into the camera like a deer in headlights or 2) they will kick into an ultra-annoying voice/action/scream that seems funny to them but only causes the parents to roll their eyes, regret grabbing the camera, and begin thinking of how they can record over this video. Because your intentions to record something for posterity has changed into documenting how annoying your kid can be.

The reason for recording has changed over the years. It used to be a great way to document your children growing up, watching them change through the years so you never forget these moments, and it was something you could send to distance grandparents. You know, perpetuating the lie that their little grand-babies are the most darling, well-behaved children they have ever seen and debunking the stories you tell of how horrible they were at the restaurant or church. Not their sweet angels they see on the cute video! Now a days, when a parent grabs the video camera, the only thing they are thinking is "I can't wait to upload this to YouTube and facebook." Its a digital age people. Now they have documented evidence on how cute/funny their child is and to show off to all their family/friends/past classmates/mailman/pre-school teachers/pastors/rabbis/ex-boyfriends/brother's friend's sister's cousin you met at a party in December who you didn't like at first then they made that funny joke you shouldn't have laughed at but it was funny if you think about it but then they spilled that drink on the dude's carpet and you felt so bad for them that you accepted their friend request the next day. All parents want to show their funny/cute video to that one classmate who checks his facebook after pulling into his multi-million dollar house in his $200,000 Ferrari to sit down to eat his bald eagle con fit and blue whale risotto dinner personally prepared by Wolfgang Puck as he eats off his solid gold china from China and for him to watch your video and think, "Man, I wish I had kids and was struggling financially. Then life would be perfect!"

But in the days of facebook and YouTube let me be honest: Parents, not all your videos are 'online worthy'. I would say 9 out of 10 videos should be saved for family videos, straight to DVD only. Just like Disney's Swiss Family Robinson 3: The Bloody Massacre in the Trees, in 3D. Most people on facebook don't want to sign on and see how your kid can now say the word dog. Its not riveting entertainment by today's standards. Why post a link to your video when most people want to spend their time on facebook wisely by seeing how many comments they got on their "my day was tiring, how was yours?" post and taking the latest "Which Harry Potter character are you?" They also need to switch over to People.com and check out who Justin Timerlake is dating now. I mean, lets be honest, there is only 24 hours in a day and only 14 hours of those can be devoted to facebook and People. Priorities, people! Did that one hurt stay-at-home moms? Hit a little too close to home? Well take an unnecessary trip to Target and you will feel better. You always do. So the mediocre facebook video is really only good distance grandparents who don't get to see your children very often. But even then, sometimes Grandma just wants to jump online check her farmville account and go back to following Justin Bieber's tweets. She can't be wasting time on your kid's "spaghetti face."

But once in a great while, when the stars align, and your child's anti-video hormone is suppressed by an overload of Easy Mac and Gold fish crackers, you will capture on video that hilarious moment that makes you laugh every time you see the video. And its worth sharing with the world, because its quality. Well tonight we captured such a moment with our 3 year old Drew. This was totally unprompted. He just started doing this face/dance over and over, to a point that his eyes hurt but it gave us enough time to get the camera and record it. What was so funny, was when the 6 year old was going to do his funny face, Drew kept up his move in the background, again and again. I kept thinking "That's an old wives tale about how if you make a funny face it will get stuck like that, right?" Well that was only the first part of that old wives tale. The second part says, "But if it is truly funny, keep doing it and ignore the first part. Risk future public ridicule and therapy for the thrill of making people laugh right now." Anyway, the video speaks for itself. I hope you can take time out of your mafia wars to enjoy it. Keep watching Drew.

I was laughing so hard, I couldn't breath. I hope you enjoyed watching it as much as I forced him to keep doing it.

Hoping Drew makes it to community college, but realistically setting our sights on a GED,
The Joyful and Tired Dad

Put the attitude down and no one will get hurt!

2011-06-18T10:26:00.000-07:00

I have recently come to this realization after just taking our boys out to a nice restaurant and as we prepare to try our luck at taking them to a wedding. Taking children into public is a lot like a hostage negotiation. There are many stages that the the parent will go through when attempting to deal with their own little terrorist in public, trying to maintain the peace and make sure everyone makes it home safe. But in most hostage negotiations, it never goes as planned and someone ends up getting hurt or going to jail.

Stage 1: The Appeal
This is the first stage because it is the most harmless and always works for those "good parents" who have little angels that listen and obey everything their parents tell them. When the child begins to act out, the parent makes an appeal to the child to really look at their behavior and make the right choice. Much like the negotiator will appeal to the criminal to re-evaluate his decision to commit the crime. "Come on, now think about this. Do you really want to do this? Think about what grandma would think. What would Jesus do?" And for lesser crimes and wonderful children, this strategy works. But not for my boys.

Stage 2: The Negotiation
When the appeal process breaks down and your child non-verbally answers you, "Hell yes, we are doing this. Its go time!" Then the negotiations open. This is the strategy when you have to give something to get something. Much like a negotiator will ask for a hostage in exchange for food. It usually follows the "if, then" pattern. "Ok, if you sit still at dinner, then you can go home a play Mario Kart. But if you get up, then no Mario." "If you will stop screaming, then there is ice cream in your future." "If you quit hitting your brother, then you can hit daddy all you want when we get home." This will work part of the time depending on how sweet the deal is. They must give very little and receive a lot. They wont trade in 'not screaming' for a sticker at home. You had better have that sticker in hand, it better be Spider man shooting webs and not just hanging on a wall, and there had better be a sticker book included with 50 other activity pages including but not limited to: tic tac toe, word search, mazes, and find whats wrong in this picture; and it better not have a lot of coloring pages because you only brought 8 crayons and he prefers markers anyway, but if it is crayons you'd better have at least 64, at least. Because if he want to color something brown, he'd better have the option of maroon and deep brick because sometimes you just need to switch it up. See, gain a little, give a lot.

Stage 3: The Threat
Sometimes when the negotiation fails and the criminal is not going to play give and take, negotiations descend into the threat. You can see that the perp is being unreasonable and nothing is getting through to them despite you best efforts at being a rational, Dr. Dobson-following parent. The next option is to threaten without offering them a reward to stop their crime. Hostage Negotiators will threaten like, "Alright, you've got 5 minutes to come out with your hands up or we are coming in after you." This is also the time when Moms will sick the Dads on the kids, much like the police. "If you don't come out, Swat is coming in." In these situations, I have my wife refer to me as "Swat." I have the helmet, riot gear and its not only a name but its what I do with my hand to their butts. "Just wait till your father gets home and hears what you did at Kroger." The threat also sounds like, "If you keep mouthing off to me here at the restaurant, you'll be in Time Out so long people will think you work here." "If you keep yelling at each other in the car, I hope you have good shoes on because its a long walk home from here." The threat usually works if the criminal knows you are not bluffing and will follow up with your threat. But if you are bluffing, or he has got nothing to lose, you move to the next stage.

Stage 4: The Plead
When all threats have fallen by the wayside and no amount of promised torture is affecting them, one of the last options is the plead. Its when all hope is gone and they are about to win. They have been screaming for last hour, the waiter has brought you 20 bags of crackers, 15 different crayons, 10 sets of silverware, the old couple in the corner has judged and sentenced you to being the worst parent they have ever seen, the manager is debating about asking you to leave or call the cops for disturbing the peace, and Children's Services is dialed into your phone because you are about to turn yourself in for a little piece and quiet. You then turn to the bandit and plead, "please, please, why are you doing this to me? I have been good to you. I have given you food and a place to sleep at night. I've tried my best to raise you right. So why do you hate me? I will do anything to make you stop. I am begging you. I would get down on my knees but the floor is covered with cracker crumbs, silverware, and crayons and I am already paying more in the tip then the actual meal because of the mess you have made. So please stop, PLEASE!" Of course this usually does not work. At least it doesn't with my boys because they want to see if in one day they can make daddy grow grey hair in front of them or cause a spontaneous stress ulcer, which ever comes first. If all else fails, you enter the last stage.

Stage 5: The Give Up
One side has to give up at one time or another. In a hostage situation, both sides never both win. There is no win-win. Like the Highlander says, "There can be only one." It is in this stage when the hands go up in defeat, the parent says that final word, "FINE!" and either the meal, wedding, grocery trip, concert, bah mitzvah, playdate, playground, or church is over and you leave. Or my favorite, the parent shuts down, closing his ears to all outside noise, stares forward and goes to his happy place. That happy place when the world was young, when it was just you and your wife, where you had no kids and if there were unruly kids you could freely judge those parents for being bad parents and the only noise you could hear was silence.

So if you are a cop, be brave out there. Its a cruel, crime infested world where danger lurks around every corner, ready to take advantage of the innocent. So be safe and everyone will make it home alive. (Translation: So if you are a parent, stay strong out there. Its an unfair, children infested world where your rugrats are with you all day everyday, ready to make your life miserable when you didn't do anything wrong. So be patient, they legally have to move out by age 18.)

Hoping all your hostage negotiations end in stage 1,
The Joyful and Tired Dad

Where do you want to go to dinner tonight? I know....Hell!!

2011-05-14T15:53:00.000-07:00

It was one of those dinners. In theory, a nicely planned dinner out with the family where we would laugh and joke, share our hopes and dreams and enjoy each other's companies while literally writing the memories on our hearts that we will share for years to come about this wonderful meal we would share together. But that didn't happen. Here's what did.

We had just finished a nice afternoon at the playgorund where all 3 boys were able to run and play and enjoy themselves. But in parent terms it accomplished 2 things: 1) it was a time-killer till bedtime and 2) it was an energy-burner to make sure bed time happened soon and it would go smoothly. So next time you are at a park and you see parents encouraging their children to keep playing and keeping running, its not because they want them to have fun, its because its something to do and its to ensure an easy, quick bedtime.

Side note: As an adult your day/week is typically broken up by meals, work, weekends and social activities. Things you are looking forward to. Such as, "I can't wait till lunch. We are meeting up with my friend at this new restaurant." or "Saturday night is volleyball! I just have to make it through one more day." But as a parent, your day is broken up only by children sleeping. Such as, "Lets make it through lunch, then its nap time!" Or there's only 4 more hours till bedtime then....FREEDOM!!!"

I faced this today, when after naptime ended, I looked at the clock and thought, "what are we supposed to do for 5 more hours?" It was that dreaded time of day every parent fears, A.N. or T.B. Either timeframe will suffice and all parents should know it. If you say to another parent, "Its 4 T.B." They know its 4 hours "Till Bedtime". Or 2 A.N. 2 hours "After Nap." The count down is always ticking in every parents head. Its what replaces the biological clock in a person after they have had a child.

So luckily we came up with the playground idea. After the playground, we decided to get dinner at our favorite Mexican restaurant. A little torilla chips and quesadillas, what could go wrong? So we go and the kids start snacking immediately on torilla chips. This is wonderful cause you dont have to wait for a waiter to scrounge up crackers or croutons while you attempt to keep your child entertained by coloring a crappy drawing of a generic cartoon bird while they fight over who gets the blue crayon for 20 mintues until your food arrives. Sorry Applebee's but its true. Well they are all eating chips and I am enjoying the salsa until my 20 month old starts reaching for it as well. So of course, I give it to him. And he loves it! Pretty soon, the chips are just a means to an end, while he is shoveling only the salsa into his mouth, no longer eating the chips. I love Mexican places because they also bring your food so quickly. So their quesadillas come, but problem...they have chicken and peppers in them! I tell Zachary, the 6 year old, not to look inside like it will spoil the mystery of why its so good but he realizes its because once he sees its not cheese only, he will not eat it. So he is now only eating the fries that came with it. Drew, the 3 year old, is only eating the fries as well because if Zachary wont eat it, he wont either. But he does want ketchup with his fries. Of course after taking 2 bites of fries with ketchup he no longer wants the ketchup and no longer wants it on his plate either. We convince him after much arguing that he should keep it on his plate cause there is nowhere else to put a tablespoon of loose ketchup. But now after seeing this debate, Nate, the 20 month old now wants ketchup too. So at this point, Nate is now only eating salsa and ketchup for dinner! And apparently also heard from latest Vogue magazine that these 2 items were the latest fashion trend in Paris this season, so decided to spread both all over his face, arms and clothing. And during this whole scene, Drew is trying to return to the womb by being all over Lindsey and not letting her eat without being touched for 2 seconds. I am also convinced that Moms have some kind of internal magnet that causes their children to be touching them 24 hours a day. Its like the child can not help but touch them. But if they are not touching, chemical receptors fire in the child's brain to make them complain about something until they can be up in Mom's business again. So Drew is wiggling and jumping all over Lindsey despite the repeated asking for him to stop. When he does, he picks up his full cup of water, was asked to return it to the table, ignored that command, took the top off, and "accidentally" dropped into Lindsey's purse. Not around it. Not spilled the water that eventually washed to her purse. Literally poured the whole cup into the purse. Cell phone was pulled out dripping including the wallet and all other soaked pieces of paper. At this point, Lindsey stands up and announces "I'm done. We are leaving." While she goes to find the waiter, who checked on us 5 times in the first 5 minutes of our meal but now when we need him, has gone underground, joined the witness protection agency, and requires an APB and a whole search party to join hands and walk across the cornfield together to find him, Drew is wet and screaming, wont sit down and demands to go with mommy to find the Lindberg baby waiter. So I am now telling him to sit, telling Zachary to finish his dinner of chips and fries, and attempting unsuccessfully to wipe down the tomato-stained Tyra Banks. We finally get the check, pay it quickly, grab the kids and exit stage left. We go quickly because 1) Its 20 min T.B. and 2) We dont want to see the face of the bus boy that has to clean up our mess cause that is instant guilt. Its better not to know. We know the responsibility that comes with cleaning up after our family dinner. The only difference between eating out and eating in is that when we eat in, we have a dog that does 80% of the clean-up. As evidenced by her 50 pounds of extra body fat. She may be overweight, but our floors stay clean and she gets fed. Its a win win.

So that was our wonderful dinner out which makes me begin to understand why "kids eat free on Tuesday night ONLY." They must have extra bus boys on staff on Tuesdays. Or they bring in overweight dogs to clean up at the end of the night.

Off to clean our salsa/ketchup stained bathtub and to air out a purse,
THe Joyful and Tired Dad

The Gatlinburg Vacation...I mean, Trip.

2011-04-20T18:30:00.000-07:00

It was once explained to me that a vacation is a time you get away for relaxation. But a Trip is a time you get away... but with kids. (You see how I left out the "relaxation" part. So we just returned from our Gatlinburg "Trip."

We left Sunday day for the 7 hour minivan ride with me, Lindsey, and our 3 boys to Gatlinburg, Tennessee. The car ride was pretty uneventful, thanks to an in-car DVD player and plenty of snacks. There were 2 gas stops and one lunch stop. You may be thinking, "that was not a whole lot of stops for 7 hours" but we planned ahead and everyone was wearing diapers to cut out those unnecessary "bathroom breaks." When we arrived at Gatlinburg, we met my brother and his family along with my parents at a cabin in the Smoky mountains. When my brother asked Zachary how his trip was, Zachary answered, "Awesome!!!!!" which was news to me. He proceeded to tell him how we made 2 stops at a gas stations and got ring pops at both stops and got a McDonald's happy meal, with toy!

In our beautiful 3 story cabin, we got the upstairs room with private bathroom with included bidet. My 4 year old nephew told us this news when we arrived by stating, "you guys have an awesome bathroom and guess what is in it? A butt washer!!" Well apparently our boys did not hear what the bidet was used for because later that day Lindsey calls me upstairs. I go up and she tells me Zachary needs to take a shower. I look at Zachary whose face and head are dripping wet. She then tells me that Zachary decided to wash his face in the bidet, and now required a shower. Who would have thought washing your face would later necessitate a shower? Then later, Lindsey again calls me up and shows me a dripping wet Drew, and proceeds to tell me that he not only washed his face but took a drink from the bidet as well. And to make a triple play, that same day I caught Nate pulling used toilet paper out of the toilet.

The next day we went hiking with the 2 grandparents, my brother and his wife, Lindsey and I, and the 7 grandboys (3 of ours and 4 of my brothers). We went up the Rainbow Falls trail all along the mountain river giving us multiple opportunities to jump the rocks, pick up salamanders, walk across fallen trees over the river, and give Lindsey multiple "mom heart attacks" and freak-out moments. But she did so well letting boys be boys and kept her shouts of warnings to herself so that the boys could build confidence on their own and learn to be adventurous without someone holding their hands. It was a very poignant "kick them out of the nest and hope they fly" moment for her and luckily she and the boys did well. No one fell in or was hurt, except maybe the permanent fingernail marks left in Lindsey's hands from stress.

On the way down the mountain, I walked with my nephew Will who is 6 and my 2nd, Drew who is 3. Well Will loves to move and move fast especially when hiking. The only problem is that Drew wanted to hold his hand and mine as we walked down the mountain and his legs are half as long as Will's. So we went down the rocky, tree-limbed path at break-neck speed with Will in the lead pulling Drew and I down as fast as his little legs would allow. But I swear, Drew fell most of the way down the trail, with only Will and I holding him up. At one point I wondered if he was doing it on purpose but then I realized "I am having a hard time keeping up with the 6 year old, how is Drew doing it?" He would take 3 steps then all of the sudden he was hanging in mid-air, then 4 steps then mid-air, 3 steps, mid-air, etc. Will even turned around and said, "Stop doing that" to Drew but he couldn't help it. But bless his heart, Drew would not stop holding our hands. Probably cause he knew if he did, he would roll down the rest of the way!

That evening we went to a pizza parlor with a game room. The boys loved running around and playing games but Grandpa stopped me and told me that Drew needed to go to the bathroom. When I was about to take him, I noticed he didn't have to...he already started to. So what does any good dad do in that situation? I took him to mom. So we go to the patio where we are sitting and while we are discussing what to do, Drew takes his pants and underwear down on the patio and stands there for all to see. But not only that, he also begins peeing on the patio too. He might as well finish what he started, right? Luckily my brother has an extra pair of shorts from there 2 year old for Drew to wear, so crisis averted. Except for the wet spot we had to keep avoiding the rest of dinner. But for some reason, our 2 oldest boys kept having to go to the bathroom. I went to that pizza parlor bathroom 5 times for only 2 kids. Drew had to pee 2x, poop 1x, and Zachary pee 2x. Its not like they had a lot to drink, but for some reason, they saved a little bit each time they went. It was more popular than the arcade room. I thought about just staying in there, putting out a tip jar and handing out toilettes for the rest of the evening. It would have saved me 5 trips and I would have made a little extra vacation money.

Notice the pee stain on the floor.

The next day we went to the Aquarium in Gatlinburg where the thing Zachary most wanted to see was the gift shop. The second most important thing there, lunch. And one hour and $65 later, we left. The joys of parenting. He would have been more happy to eat lunch at home and go to the free playground down the road. But does he tell you that before or after you have spent the money and the frustration? And get this, they wont give you your money back if your kid is ungrateful for taking them to the aquarium. That is not a valid "reason for refund." I think most places should have the "ungrateful" clause built into their business. If a child does not fully appreciate the nice thing you were trying to do for them, 100% money back guarantee. It would take the pressure off Christmas and any Wendy's kids meal toy. I mean come on. What kid wants a DVD in their kids meal?

That night before dinner, Zachary went around with his cousin Will collecting caterpillars. (Another mom freak-out moment that Lindsey successfully navigated.) Will collected then in this green Easter egg. The day before, grandpa had handed these Easter eggs out filled with skittles. Now Will used it as his make-shift caterpillar collector. He must have had 20-30 caterpillars collected in this egg before dinner and put the closed egg on the table. Well, at the end of dinner, Drew decides to grab this egg and retrieve some delicious skittles for an after-dinner desert. It was like a candid camera, funniest home video moment. He opened the egg, and the caterpillars literally sprang from this egg! He freaked out so much, he screamed and jumped, he had the "gross-out" shiver as these things went everywhere! All over the dinner table, grandma, the floor, everywhere! It was so funny to watch his absolute moment of surprise and terror as his would-be skittles turned into 30 caterpillars.

The next day we packed up and headed home for the 7 hour car ride back. And let me tell you, I am not exaggerating when I say this, Lindsey is my witness to this, but Nate our 18 month old, screamed the entire 7 hours home! Part of the time he was upset, the other part I think he like to hear himself scream. Because he would scream then laugh at himself, then scream again and then laugh. If you want to know what it was like, record a screaming baby for 3 seconds, put on headphones, turn it up to 11 (Spinal Tap the movie reference), put it on continuous repeat, lock your self in a 3'x4' area, add annoying high-pitched cartoon character voices in the background from the DVD playing, with an undercurrent of a 3 year old and 5 year old arguing about who is or is not the parent, and stay in this place for 9 hours. You are allowed a 1 hour break for lunch, but then continue the noise-mageddon. And when Nate was not screaming, he was eating and eating and eating. It was the only thing that prevented the screaming was to have his mouth full. Lindsey and I both agreed that he probably consumed 5000 calories on the trip home. And you could tell what he ate because he wore most of it on his outfit and face.

Did Nate take his morning nap? for 30 minutes. Did Nate and/or Drew take their afternoon nap? Not one head nod. Not to mention, Nate is not only into the game of "If I drop something, they will pick it up, no matter how many times I drop it," but he is also into the game of "how far can I launch my pacifier and goldfish across the van." Yep, I was hit multiple times with his pacifier while driving. The thoughts that ran through my head during Screamfest 2011:
-After 7 hours, wouldn't he be hoarse by now?
-How many bones will I break going 65 mph on the highway if I were to abandon ship?
-Should I put my arms out in front of me to brace my fall or just tuck and roll?
-What illegal thing would I have to do and how long would I get to spend in jail before they would post bail? Is it worth one peaceful, quiet night of sleep?
-How expensive would it be to buy a hotel room for each of the kids to keep them separated from each other and me for one night?
-Where is the closet airport?
and the always popular:
-Why God? Why me?

Well, we made it home safely and in one piece. We had fun and made memories which is the most important part of the family vacation. The sad part is the memories that will stick with them will be about ring pops, gift shops, and bidets.

Hoping our trips will be vacations someday,
The Joyful and Tired Dad

A Beautiful Water Birth

2011-04-06T16:42:00.000-07:00

It was so beautiful, so organic, so natural, so awe-inspiring....then everyone ran in fear!

It all started at bath time. There were signs but I chose to ignore them. The first and most important sign was after I took off Nate's diaper in the bath, somehting small and brown fell out. If I was proactive, I would have investigated and learned the truth but so many different things have fallen out of his diaper before, how was I supposed to know it was the most obvious thing. But speaking to other parents, will someone please explain how a child wearing a onesie, pants, a shirt, and a sweatshirt, strapped to a highchair with a tray table over his lap, still manage to magically put green beans or carrots into his diaper during dinner. I mean, I think David Copperfield could film his next show featuring my child. Have a random audience member change his diaper and after one meal, reveal 4 of the 5 food items at dinner fall out of that same diaper. The grand finale would the 5th item found in the random audience member's shirt when they get changed that night. Has that ever happened to you? You take your shirt off at night and as it falls to your floor you think to yourself, "When did I eat bananas today?" only to realize the 18 month old did at breakfast!
So needless to say I didn't think anything of it, just picked it up and threw it into the toilet. Well the other boys jumped in the tub and bath time went as planned. Soap, rinse, repeat. As the boys were playing and I was grabbing a towel, the beautiful water birth occured! I realized this because Zachary yells, "Daddy, Nate pooped in the tub!!!" And sure enough, 2 little floaters joined the 3 kids and other toys floating around our tub. To which, I screamed, "Everyone out of the tub!" You would have thought Jaws himself was just spotted in the water. There was screaming and splashing and slipping and shear panic as they ran from the soggy tootsie rolls. As I was drying off Nate, Drew looks in the tub and starts sobbing and crying out "Mickey, no Mickey," as one of the Baby Ruths touches his Mickey Mouse bath toy. Like a wounded soldier, left behind to face the enemy, Drew mourned his loss until we could reassure him that Mickey would be ok after a dishwater bath of his own. And at the same time, Zachary tripped on nothing and fell down hurting his elbow. So after a shower, the 3 boys were clean...again.

There was a Spirit of Defication on our house today. It started at 5:30 am when our new 3 month old puppy, Joey, had diarhea in his cage during the night. Here is the succession of the following bowel movements: 2 more Joey diarhea piles in the house, then Nate pooped, then Drew, then a lull, then Joey had a second bath due to an accident, then Drew, then Zachary, then Joey in his cage again (3rd bath,) then Nate's water deuce, then Drew again. We're having someone come over tomorrow to pray for defication deliverance.

Sorry if this was too graphic or vulgar for some but it is truth. A hard truth for those non-parents out there unaware about this side of parenting. But a soft truth for those parents who deal with this stuff everyday. A soft, mooshy, water-logged, floating truth.

Now I am off to clorox the tub, the dog cage, the shower, and myself,
The Joyful and Tired Dad

A winter prayer

2010-12-12T15:50:00.000-08:00

Dear Lord,
I know you created the heavens and the earth. You created all seasons, from the beauty of falling leaves in autumn to the wonderful falling snow of winter. And you also created children, from their innocent look on life to their joy and laughter about the littlest of things. You made everything good. But when you add the two of these things together, winter and children, why, oh why God, didn’t You create children’s winter gloves that easily go on little hands? I know there are thousands of types of gloves that are made for kids so why can’t I find a pair that will keep their hands warm but also will take less than an hour to put on a glove while my 5 year old dances around, ready to go outside and getting more and more frustrated every minute. He wants to “do it himself” but when unable he refuses to ask for help. When attempting to help him, he then yells “No I want to do it myself, but I can’t do it, but don’t help me, but I can’t do it.” So when he finally lets me, it seems someone has applied glue to his middle finger and ring finger because they will continually go into the same glove finger. And when they are finally separated, I lose the pinky. I know it’s in there but for some reason it’s gone. I do finally find the pinky but only after he makes a fist pulling the other 3 fingers out of their individual finger holes that we just spent 10 minutes doing. Thank you for making the thumb so easy. It’s the only reason I keep going because it gives hope that the other 4 will go in eventually. So after all fingers are in their respective holes, there are still 2 inches of fingerless glove fabric at the end of each glove finger so we do the awkward “stretch the kids arm out straight, tell him to stretch out his fingers, brace him against a wall, and shove the glove as hard as you can down onto his hand.” It is at this point he decides to loose all the joints in fingers so it’s like putting a glove onto 5 wet noodles. Eventually all fingers are in the correct finger holes and in their proper position and its time to do the other hand. He then informs me that he must go to the bathroom. So we took the glove off, he went potty and when he returned, I put him in mittens.
Lord, thank you for creating winter and snow and children and even winter gloves. But most of all, thank you for the easiest solution to putting winter gloves on kids: mom.

Looking forward to spring,
The Joyful and Tired Dad

Mom's Night Out

2010-12-09T16:58:00.000-08:00

So my wife went out with a friend to dinner and the OSU basketball game tonight. So, in other words, the most frightening thing that all Dads across the world fear: Mom’s night out! Its not that we are jealous she is out having fun but it’s that we are left with the offspring all alone like a lone soldier dropped too far into enemy territory with no immediate evac....and its getting dark. I do believe children conspire against their parents but it’s on an invisible level that parents are unable to see except for the results of their secret meetings. Like, how they can all be as pleasant as can be one minute and the next they are all crying for different reasons like they had their watches synchronized for zero hour and then “let loose hell,” just to see how the parents will react and then to use this to inflict guilt on the parents. I am still unaware of the goal but I am pretty sure it has something to do with ice cream and/or Toys R Us. I come to believe the latter because there is not a parent out there who has not fallen prey to the “I want it now” or “I don’t want to leave” temper tantrum at said store, by one or all your children at the same time. If they are advanced, they will have scheduled “break down” times so they are not all screaming at the same time but successively to make sure they ride your last nerve like a bull at a rodeo.

Mom’s night out is a perfect example of this conspiracy theory. But the ultimate goal is by the end of the night for Mom to see Dad as an incompetent, inept parent who even though he only watches the children alone every once in a while can’t handle it and at the same time make Dad think brain surgery would have been easier. During mom’s night out the children treat Dad like a substitute teacher. "Lets see what we can get away with before he breaks. Because he will break. Oh yes, he will break."

This is how my night went. Before my wife even left the baby started crying. I have talked about “zero hour” before but here's a reminder. Every day kids have a time when all rationality and sanity go out the window that lasts until bedtime. For us its 5:00 p.m. But luckily for me tonight Nate started at 4:30. He screamed and he cried and he screamed and walked around and cried. Non-stop. I fed him in his highchair for 10 minutes but he kept crying between bites and throwing food on the floor. The other 2 were fine. (It was Nate’s shift). Unfortunately but expectantly dinner went longer than thought due a cooking error on my wife's part. Yes, Lindsey told me what to do but she didn’t say remove the foil so it wasn’t cooked correctly and had to bake longer. If only she was more specific, so yes her fault. Well if it pertains to food, cue Drew. (Drew's shift begins) He is at my heels asking for dinner. Then to the refrigerator, to the freezer, then to the pantry, back to me, to the oven, to me, back to the fridge, now me, to the table, to the pantry, I'm on a horse. All the while I am telling him to “wait for dinner” at every appliance. (Nate is still crying). So finally dinner comes out. I put Nate on the floor because he ate what he was going to, including tears and snot, and I dish out Taco pie. I put the plates and cups on the table, call for dinner, and then their secret watches all start beeping for “go time.” Here are their assignments at this precise moment: Nate – go to the art drawer and pull everything out including the crayon box and dump it all on the floor; Zachary – go to the dinner table and begin complaining about the food and how you are not going to eat it and you want something else. Do not stop complaining whatever you do, keep a whiney noise going constantly. This will provide the auditory distraction and Nate will cause the physical distraction while Dad cleans up the mess to set up the climax. Drew – While he is distracted by Nate and Zachary and not looking at you, spill your drink all over the dining room table and for good measure his chair where he will sit for dinner, soaking the table centerpieces, his chair, and carpet. If all goes to plan, He should lose it in 2.3 seconds. Which I did. Tossing down the art supplies, telling Zachary he can go to bed hungry for all I care and sitting down in the water soaked chair, I begrudgingly ate my dinner wishing mom was home and I was not.

I held it together long enough to get through bath and bedtime, but at this point it was just a race to the finish line. (Finish line in parent speak means “all children in bed asleep and you on your way for wine and/or chocolate.) During bedtime though, they had one more surprise planned. I began reading to Drew which cued him to get up and run out of the room while I am yelling after him “if you don’t stay I am done reading this…” Out he went. I go grab him and put him back into bed tucking him in and leaving when I hear 2 children crying. I understood Drew who wanted his story to be read but out in the hallway, Zachary was crying too. He was crying because his hands itched. They had had to have synchronized watches for this impeccable timing. Like every good Dad, I told Zachary to wash his hands, the equivalent of “walk it off” and read Drew the “abbreviated” version of his story (abbreviated in parent speak means “skip as many pages on the page turn before they notice.)

Next comes the humiliating part that is the night's goal for the children yet Dads still fall prey to it: I call my wife to tell her how horrible the night was. Now depending on your wife she will give you 2 different reactions: empathy or laughing. Let me tell you, you want laughing. Because depending when you call, laughing can either make your pain worse if called right after the “break down” because she is making light of your situation or if called later when they are asleep, make it better because she is making light of your situation. Then you can both laugh at the ridiculousness of it all and chalk it off to the “joys of parenting.” I wanted this reaction, I got the empathy reaction. I will tell you why you don’t want the empathy reaction. Because it may sound like empathy on the outside “that sounds awful, you poor dear, are you ok? Do you need anything?) but on the inside she is saying, “I do this everyday for 10-12 hours a day 5-6 days a week by my self and even on the weekends we have church or get a babysitter so that time doesn’t count. I leave for one night and you make it seem like the world is coming down. They are just children. It’s not like they are devious super spies conspiring against you with synchronized watches and elaborate plans to make you go nuts. (In a mocking tone) well if it’s too hard for you, why don’t you call your mother to take over because you can’t handle it? Just make sure she changes your diaper after she changes theirs.” You do not want the pity… I mean empathy reaction.

So that was my night. Finally, you know it was a mom’s night out because when Dad is put in charge of pajamas, the baby is wearing a 3T footie outfit and the 2 year old is wearing 12 months pants that look like Capri’s.

Looking forward to tomorrow when I am safe at work,
The Joyful and Tired Dad

It’s just a phase….or is it?

2010-12-05T13:44:00.000-08:00

Have you ever said to yourself, “it’s just a phase” to justify the horrendous moment in time called your life. I have found more and more with 3 boys ages 5, 2 and 1 that I keep saying “It’s just a phase. It’s just a phase. It’s just a phase,” loosely interpreted “please God, no, don’t let this be what life is now like and will be like forever. Please let it be temporary. We just have to get through this time and then we will enter the “Full House” part of life where everyday is filled with Joey’s hilarious situational comedy and Uncle Jesse’s outrageously good-looking hair and every teachable moment is a life lesson where kids sit down on the bed with a beautiful interlude of orchestra music in the background and they listen intently to your wisdom, they apologize for the shenanigans that Kimmie Gibbler got them involved in and their lives are forever changed.”

But the more life goes on, the more I feel like phases only pertain to “teething” and “potty-training,” instead of the phases I would prefer to be phases such as “not listening” and “disobedience” and “I know I ate a huge snack 1 hour before lunch and I just ate a gigantic lunch but I’m so hungry please give me another snack. My belly hurts and it only wants what you are having for lunch.”

We have had quite a “I hope it’s just a phase” weekend. Here are a couple of back stories for you to grasp the essence of this weekend. Drew has a dead tooth. We are going to the dentist Monday to confirm this but a couple of days ago I noticed his front tooth was discolored. I tried to scrape but when brought up to Lindsey, she replies “Yeah I saw that 3 days ago and thought it was chocolate so I already tried the scraping method. I think its dead.” He must have fallen awhile back and hit it where it has been slowly dying but this week it decided to change colors. Lindsey and I proceeded to have the epic debate: to pull or not to pull. She says pull, I say neigh. You may ask why and this is our reasoning: Would you rather have your 2 year old look like a pirate or a hillbilly? I say keep the tooth because pirates are cool in pre-school at Halloween but no one chooses to be a Hillbilly for Halloween except forgetful parents whose only solution to their procrastination of buying a good costume is a flannel shirt, ripped jeans, and a sharpie. You don’t want to have the kid who wears his costume in his mouth everyday, unless it’s cool like a rotten chopper. Not to mention if we did pull it, who knows what he would be sticking in there. You don’t want to get the phone call from pre-school, “Hi Mr. Allen, Drew was just found with another eraser in his tooth-hole. He was also sucking his thumb during school pictures but still smiling. He just slid his thumb right through that dead space and on into his mouth, smiling about his new trick.”

So yesterday morning at 5:30 am, I was awoken out of bed at what I heard Zachary to say “I threw up in my bed.” I rush out of my bed and run to his room to see him standing beside his bed in tears. I ask him if he is alright and he says “I didn’t throw up, I said my blankets fell off of my bed. Can you fix them?” Not the emergency I wanted to get up for at 5:30. Well he proceeds to stay up, followed by the other 2 hooligans who hear him playing with his door handle for an hour. So 6:30, everyone is awake and its party time. Well that day just dragged on and on and there was no end to the whininess and constant requests “I’m hungry, can I watch TV, where are my shoes, can I go outside, can I play at David’s house, but I’m hungry.” We had friends come over that night and brought their children who played with our 3 boys…hard. They were laughing and running and screaming and it was great. We were able to sit and talk with our friends why they entertained themselves. Well they went down later than usual and you would think that would mean they would sleep in the next day. Well that is what normal people do but we have vampire children that don’t require sleep and feed on joy of taking sleep from their parents. They were up at 6:15 this morning! All of them! Not all at one time but eventually they all wake each other up. Zachary is the first to wake up and he poops at 6 in the morning and then plays with the bathroom and his door handle for 15-20 minutes, this wakes Drew up who is instantly in a bad mood cause he is in his room and yells at the top of his lungs for someone in California to come let him out (its that loud), which then awakens Baby Nate who can’t talk but loves to scream and poop. Needless to say, we must get up. Well the next 5 hours are followed by more whining and requests and kids climbing on us and screaming and fighting and not listening and eating us out of house and home. And its still only 11:30. People who sleep in aren’t even awake yet. We call them single without children. We call them lucky. We want to call them to wake them up. Drew goes poop in the potty and then he calls for me not to wipe him but to get the poop off his finger. He already attempted to wipe himself without success. Well at least no success on toilet paper. So I wipe him getting poop on my own finger because the toilet paper rips and we spend the next 15 minutes scrubbing our hands. I didn’t see that on a Full House episode. It was just one more thing that went wrong today. So afterward Lindsey and I are laughing about the absurdity of today and this weekend and I tell her about Drew and I in the bathroom and how we formed the Poop Hand Gang. They call me Brown Finger and him Black Tooth.

It is nice to be able to laugh about these “phases” and recognize them for what they are: torture to live through but hilarious to retell and blog about. Because after all, these are the memories I would never trade in and little joys in life that should be seen as such I do look forward to sharing these stories with my adult children and their grand-children because I am not looking forward to 1 hour from now when those “parents-to-be” will be waking up from their nap and it starts over again. But it is only a phase, right?

Off to scrub my hands again,
The Joyful and Tired Dad

Why I can never be a "Stay at Home" Dad

2010-09-28T15:39:00.000-07:00

Children suck. Don't take this the wrong way. Don't call Children's Services. But any parent can agree with this statement. Now they are not bad all the time. But they are not good all the time either. They have their moments when you think, "what are my single friends doing right now?" Are they experiencing that beautiful moment in time parents call "peace and quiet" and singles refer to as "a normal day"? But some might argue, "But non-parents miss out on the beautiful moments of laughter, joy, and pride parents have when they look upon the life they have created." You know who is making that argument? I will tell you, non-parents. Because any parent knows this line of thinking and can always counter it with, "But non-parents also miss out on the beautiful moments of: poopy butts, vomit shirts, tantrum screams, bloody murder cries, ear-piercing whining for food one hour after they ate a full breakfast, accidental crotch hits while wrestling (that ones for the dads), spilled milk on the couch, horseback riding the dog, slap fighting their brothers (including the 11 month old); all when they look upon the life they created."

But on to my main point: I could never be a stay at home dad. I am on vacation this week, a stay-cation if you will since we are not going anywhere. So my vacation from work means my wife's vacation from the kids and I am her substitute. That is not how it really is but today she was feeling ill and so my role as joint parent was abruptly upgraded to "single parent" so she could rest and recover. So in other words, I would be handling the parental workload for the same amount of time she does everyday while I am at work. So let us begin:

I wake up at 6:00 to Zachary opening and closing his door, opening and closing, opening and closing. When I asked later why he said he was going to the bathroom. To which I replied, "Next time open your door, exit, go to the bathroom, return to your room, and shut your door. There is no need for 15 opening and closing of your bedroom door for one bathroom visit." But this marathon of door shutting woke the 2 year old who hates to sleep in. So I take the 2 older boys downstairs so Dora the Explorer can parent them while I lay on the couch in my "just woke up" haze. Well it isn't 10 minutes when Drew is crying for food. 6:30, time to make breakfast. If McDonalds can do it this early, so can I. Apparently scrambled eggs and toast take too long for a toddler so he begins to yell at me that he is hungry. The yelling wakes up the baby. Now all three are with me, hungry, grouchy, and yelling at me and each other. My wife wakes up and immediately has to run an errand. So I am all alone with 3 screaming children, and I am loving life. So at 7:17, after the constant bickering with each other and asking for my parental wisdom and guidance in the matter of "he stole a toy from me. I had it first," I utter the phrase all parents know and love when they have had enough, "Work it out." oh yes, before 7:30 I was already at the "work it out" phase of the day. It was not going to be pretty.

Well we struggle through breakfast with me repeatedly telling them to sit back down cause I am not in the mood to do the Heimlich maneuver after they choke on their toast from jumping with food in their mouth, we finish. But being a good parent (but stupid at the time) I veto TV for the morning. But this now means I am the center for entertainment. What is it like for those children who know how to entertain themselves? I always dream of white puffy clouds and green pastures filled with children playing by themselves with no need for parental involvement while the parents carry on adult conversations about things not related to the latest Fresh Beat Band song or which Pokemon is the best or the risks vs benefits of being Mario rather than Luigi in Mario Kart. Anyway, I ask them to go to the basement but they say no. So after putting the baby down I sum up the courage and desire and wrestle with them. The thing I found out today is that I have one good wrestle session in me each day. Did you catch that: one. So in other words, I just used up my bag of tricks and it was 8:30 in the morning. Luckily, my beautiful and amazing wife had set up a play date for Zachary at 9:30, so we killed time till then.

After the playdate it was 11:15 and time to take Zachary to school. I dropped him off and ran a quick errand and returned to the most wonderful time in any 'stay at home' parents day: nap time. The other 2 were down for naps and my wife and I were able to make lunch. After which she went to take her nap to rest and I sat down to eat my lunch. But like sitcom-timing, I hear a cry upstairs. Now the younger 2 children typically take 2.5-3 hours naps in the afternoon. But not today. Today is Daddy's day so they conspired beforehand and both woke up at 1.5 hours. There is nothing more defeating in a parents life than cutting short or taking away "nap time". Many parents will go through a deep depression when there baby decides to "drop a nap." So remember, my wife is now asleep and the younger 2 are not. So I dont even get a recess today. No lunch break. I am now eating with my 2 year old begging for food at my feet. Even our dog has more self-control.

My wife takes a long nap today, lucky for her, too bad for me. My oldest son goes to another boys house after school so I have the 2 year old and baby for 4 hours this afternoon. I actually enjoy this time with them. There is a time when I see them playing together with Drew making funny noises and Baby Nate laughing uncontrollably. Its a brief but precious moment I was able to witness. But then the zero hour hits. All stay at home parents know what I am talking about. Its the time right before your spouse gets home and before dinner when Hell breaks loose. There is no scientific reason, no cause. But the planets align just right and something clicks in the child that makes them go from Dr. Jeckel to Mr. Hyde. The crying intensifies, the whining goes up 100 notches, nobody is satisfied, every child wants something but cant tell you what cause nothing will make them happy because it is: the Zero Hour. Its about at this time, you need to make dinner. So today, my wife wakes up and goes to pick up Zachary, the 2 year old is whining for milk and his blanket, and God help me if I put the baby down cause every time I try, he believes the world is ending and its my fault. So I am holding the baby, pushing away the 2 year old with one foot, balancing with the other and cooking over a hot stove. Mr. Mom I am not.

Everyone makes it through cooking dinner and eating dinner and the boys ask me to wrestle before bathtime. Now remember: one wrestling session a day. But God gives me the strength and we wrestle again. Phillipians 4:13. Bathtime and bedtime go without a hitch and everyone goes down with minimal crying. But as I sit down to write this blog, who do I hear but the baby who hates sleep and me. But the amazing woman who does the superhuman job of being a stay at home mom swoops in and takes the baby to her parents house so I can have one of those beautiful moments in time: peace and quiet. I love her so much and after today I appreciate all the more her sacrifices, her frustrations, her stress, and those little moments of joy that come from being a stay at home mom. So to all those stay at home moms out there: Thank you and you certainly don't get paid enough.

Loving my job because it is not hers,
The Joyful and Tired Dad.

A Trip to West Virginia

2010-08-24T17:14:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had just one of those days? And was it ever during a trip? And was it also not just one day but an entire weekend? So I guess I should ask: Have you had just one of those weekend trips? Well I just had one and I just had to share it with you.

The premise is simple. Leave on Saturday, drive to West Virginia, spend the day in Charleston, the next day go take family pictures with extended family and return that afternoon. Sounds simple, right? Oh, I forgot to add one thing; you have to take your three children. Now you are beginning to understand. But don’t start thinking a whimsical, family vacation spent frolicking through lily fields until picture time as your pretty little girls in their sundresses smile so pretty for mummy and daddy and you take such wonderful family pictures that would make Anne Geddes and her fat, sunflower babies cry. No, I have boys.

We start off the trip to Charleston, West Virginia following my wife’s parents because they know the way. And lucky for my wife and I, they agreed to take the two older boys, Zachary, who is 5 years old and Drew, who is in the “horrendous two’s” (because ‘terrible’ doesn’t do it justice). And Lindsey and I had our sweet little 10 month old, Baby Nate. The 3 hour car trip was going well for both parties, because our baby was sleeping and we couldn’t hear the other two because they were in the other car so we didn’t care how they were doing. Oh, when I said two parties, I meant me and my wife, cause silence in a car is like a party celebrating the two guests of honor, Peace and Quiet. We were loving life, enjoying great conversation, the time was flying by, until… he awoke. Now he should have slept the whole time but of course, it was one of those weekends. So he screamed and cried and screamed. We tried a bottle, gold fish crackers, applesauce, movies, radio, blankets, and pacifiers. But all he wanted was to get out of that car seat. And we still had an hour to go. And at this point I am thinking three things: 1. Are we there yet? 2. Can I squeeze a third car seat in the back of their car? 3. How far is it if I were to walk from here? Our enjoyable, time-flying-by car ride just turned into a never-ending scream fest that seemed to last an extra 10 hours. Well we eventually arrived, frazzled but alive and went into Lindsey’s grand-parents house.

Have you ever taken your toddler(s) to a friend’s house that does not have children and so nothing in their house is child-proofed. Well take that experience and add priceless family heirlooms and china sets at eye level and reach length for a 2 year old. It has been a long time since her grandparents have had really young kids in their house, so they collect more and more things and items get moved lower and lower on shelves. Here is an interesting tidbit: You want to know if a family has kids or grandkids? Everything nice will be above eye level and everything replaceable will be below eye level. Needless to say, I spent the next 2 hours chasing Zachary and Drew around the house saying, “Stop, don’t touch that, what do you think you are doing, don’t go outside, put that down, Hey, stop licking the glass, close the freezer, don’t put your hand in the trash, go wash your hands.” All this while holding Baby Nate. Luckily we had an opportunity to go to her grandparent’s club pool to go swimming.

We go to their country club with my wife and our three little angels and take 15 minutes to set-up camp at the baby pool; change into swim suits, apply swim diapers, apply sunscreen, find swim goggles, apply flotation devices, etc. We go into the pool and begin to swim having a great time. We love it because they are expending pent up energy and cutting down the chase time for later. Well after 15 minutes of swimming Drew gets a mouthful of water and starts coughing. No big deal. But then keeps coughing and coughing, and while in the pool, throws up. He had choked on water. He then threw up again in the pool before we could grab him and get him to the trashcan where he threw up again all over himself. All while Lindsey is holding the baby and I am shooing an angry 5 year old, who still wants to swim, out of the puke-laden pool. Well we tell the 10 year old life guard on duty. No joke. She was so young. She didn’t know what to do expect call her boss and ask her what to do. All the while, probably texting her friends and trying to look up Justin Bieber’s latest tweet. And at this point all the other families have retreated out of the pool and gathered around the baby pool. So we clean up Drew, who is now crying for a ring pop, gather up a crying Zachary cause we have to leave, collect all our belongings while holding a baby and pushing a stroller down a flight of steps, while a crowd of West Virginians scowl at us for puking in their pool and leaving. So much for expending that energy. We go home and they all skip their naps. We have a wonderful evening ahead of us now.

That evening we go to Lindsey’s second cousins house for a birthday dinner. Well the kids would not sit still. Nothing would hold their interest except getting into trouble; grabbing whatever they could, messing with the dog, stealing crackers off the table with their dirty hands, climbing on boxes in the basement, yelling and laughing during the prayer, etc. I wanted to say, “Whose children are those? Where are their parents?” But everyone knew they belonged to me cause I was the one always one step behind them cleaning up the messes, picking them off the boxes, trying to silence them fighting each other, etc. The best part was during dinner, Drew was standing on his chair and leaned on the back causing it to tip backward and fall on the floor with him hitting his stomach in the process making him cry. Even though he stood up on his chair, I look like the irresponsible one for letting it happen. When all I was thinking was, “good, maybe that will teach you to listen to your parents.” After dinner, when it seems like we are going to go home and end this dreadful day, out comes the cookie cake. Nothing brings more joy to a parent’s heart like sleep deprived, sugar induced, toddlers 3 hours past their bed time at a non-child proofed extended family members house in a different state. Oh and by the way, your two year old just pooped their pants and you don’t have wipes. But we do finally get home and end the day yelling at them for jumping on the antique bed and trying to play “crash ‘em” with the 1940’s figurines in the hallway. We all collapse in exhaustion, ending the day and looking forward to what joy and merriment tomorrow holds.

I don’t know what you count as tomorrow starting because I had to feed Baby Nate at 2 in the morning. Then four hours later I feel Zachary crawl into bed with us because the temperature in the room dropped to Antarctic levels as you could now see your breath and they began filming March of the Penguins 2 around the bed. Well I asked Lindsey later if she enjoyed cuddling with Zachary in the morning because while she got the cute cuddly side, I got the kicking, ice cold feet in the back side…for an hour. It was my favorite way to wake up at 6 in the morning. We all got up at 7 and none of the kids slept in because of course why would they, and we started the process of waiting until picture time at 1:00, a quick 6 hours away. 6 hours of chasing kids around a house filled with family memories, delicious home cooked food and easily breakable, priceless, antique, family heirlooms. On top of the chasing and disciplining, the air conditioner couldn’t compete with an oven that was running all morning especially since the air conditioner worked overtime the night before preparing the ice skating rink in our bedroom. And add 11 adults and 3 children getting ready for family pictures, the house began to heat up. My father-in-law actually started sweating through all the shirts he put on. He had rings of sweat around his rib cage on every shirt he put on. He started running out of his own shirts and so was borrowing shirts from other relatives. I think I even saw him put on one of Nana’s dickeys just to soak up the sweat. He eventually ended up walking around shirtless when he discovered that he couldn’t wear Baby Nate’s onesies. Another side note, Lindsey’s uncle shows up who lives in Charleston and their basement flooded at midnight the night before. Just one more thing. But somehow I think my kids had something to do with it.

We finally make it to 1:00 and we leave for picture time at the country club where Drew had puked in the pool the day before. I let Lindsey and the 2 older boys out at the door and go park the car with Baby Nate. Well Lindsey’s grandmother believed the club was locked so they walked around the side of the building, through the maintenance area where Zachary walked near a broken beer bottle in bare feet. But did not get hurt except Lindsey got a chunk of glass stuck in her shoe and when Mallory, her brother’s fiancé, went to pull it out, she cut her finger open on it. All the while I am parking the car and just sit in the silence for 2 minutes. A 2 minute break from the insanity. But of course, during that time, a mosquito that was in the car bit me and I now had a giant mosquito bite, swelling and red, on my forehead 10 minutes before the family picture. Was I surprised? No. Was it funny for everyone else? Yes. Before we came to the club, I had a conversation with my father-in-law how we were glad the pictures that were scheduled to be outside were changed to be taken inside the club out of the 100 degree heat. It was something I was looking forward to, being in the air conditioning while I chased the kids inside. Well, we walk into the club, walk downstairs, and walk right outside to take the pictures on the patio out back. So much for air conditioning and a dry shirt. The pictures were relatively painless except Zachary punched his second cousin in the groin before pictures, so it wasn’t painless for him. Oh, and Drew bit the photographer. So it was relatively painless for all but 2 people.

We packed up and this time we had all 3 kids in our car for the trip home. Within 30 minutes all 3 were asleep. It was an amazing moment. And 10 minutes after that Baby Nate woke up. Of course he did. Because life is not fair. And I am convinced that children were created to remind one of that fact everyday of a parent’s life. Well then the crying started. And when Lindsey told me I was waking up the kids, I stopped. But to their credit, the kids did well on the way home. Of course, a stop at Wendy’s, Dairy Queen, and an in-car DVD player helped too.

We finally arrived home, exhausted and ready to put the TV on for the kids and let Dora the Explorer parent our children until bedtime so we could rest. That’s when I discovered that our dog had rolled in goose poop and needed an emergency bath. Well after that bath, when the dog was about to come inside, my wife points out more poop under her ear. So after the second bath, I am ready for bedtime. But wouldn’t you know it, Baby Nate wasn’t ready for bed. So he stays up with us another hour. But despite how tired I am, I still have stayed up till midnight to write this blog and share this wonderful experience with you. Thank you for reading. Oh and I have just heard the baby waking up ready for a midnight bottle. The joys of parenting keep on coming. Or is that just sleep-deprived delusions.

Truly,
The Joyful and Tired Dad

Things I've said this week "8/8/2010"

2010-08-08T17:23:00.000-07:00

“Drew, I don’t know if you need a bath tonight. Go ahead and keep licking the ice cream off your bicep and blanket and shirt and car seat. Ok, I guess you need a bath.”

“Guys, please stop wrestling your baby brother. He does not like body slams or punches.”

“Yes Drew you do have little boobs. And I have big boobs. And Nate has baby boobs.”

“Nate, does your penis and hand have magnets in them that must touch when your diaper is off?”

“Can a two year old be a hypochondriac?”

“Cali, your breath smells like death.”

“Drew, I don’t know what you are saying. I don’t understand ‘yo bo too bee chu’.”

“No Drew, its pronounced ‘cricket’ not ‘f***-it’”

“Zachary, I know you don’t like Baby Nate screaming and crying but right now you are the only one screaming in the car. Even Baby Nate has stopped because you are so loud.”

“No Drew, Do not lick that car. I said stop at the front bumper and you are still licking down to the back door. Please stop.”

Hoping Drew doesn't get sick from the Honda Civic virus,
The Joyful and Tired Dad

After the "After the Final Rose."

2010-08-02T19:22:00.000-07:00

How do you cope with having your heart broken on national television for all the world to see? Go on another reality show and break someone elses heart on national television for all the world to see. Its the ultimate revenge show. They disguise it with beautiful music and exotic locations and its all about finding your true love to marry them and live happily ever after. But if you think about it, its not about one person finding love, its about 24 people getting their hearts broken. But one lucky loser will return for the next season to get their revenge on the opposite sex and in the mean time find their life-long partner or at least their "15 minutes of fame after the press tour, Today show, Jimmy Kimmel live, Live with Regis and Kelly, Tonight Show, Jimmy Kimmel Live, then your are forced to be with each other without cameras and constant attention so you think it would be better to break up and go after each other in the tabloids so you can have another 15 minutes of fame and after that go your seperate ways" - long partner.
Thoughts on the Bachelorette 6.
1. No catchy theme song like the last Bachelor, big mistake. So what song can be stuck in my head after the final rose? Not many songs out there can top "On the Wings of Love" especially when Jake was a pilot.
2. No Frank on the wrap-up show? At least show the newspaper engagement pic of him and his ex-girlfriend.
3. We all knew she was going to pick Roberto from like episode 2. So do I feel bad for Chris, the runner-up? I felt especially bad after meeting his amazing family and the fact he lost his mom and was looking for love lost. It would have been easier if he was some deranged person with 2 other girlfriends at home and was only doing this show for publicity, oh wait that was Justin/"Rated R".
4. Please no more catch phrases. I can't hear anymore one liners like, "love is the only reality", "soul-mate", "perfect one", "connection", and "chemistry". Its like seventh graders trying out new words they learned from "Tiger Beat."
5. I feel bad for the curtains that had to die to make Ali's "final rose" dress.
6. Could Roberto be anymore sweaty? They should not have picked Tahiti as their fantasy destination cause he would sweat whenever the temperature went over 60 degrees. He would have been better suited for the Himalayas. You know Ali was uncomfortable kissing him at the final rose ceremony. That thin line of beaded sweat on his upper lip made her second guess her choice right there. "Maybe Chris wasn't so bad. At least he stayed dry."

But now its midnight, and I can't beleive I have stayed up this late to blog about the Bacherolette. I mean it is more important than sleep. Oh, priorities.

Can't wait to see if Chris is the next Bachelor (I hope not he deserves better, but he does need his chance at revenge too),
The Joyful and Tired Dad

Self-Sacrifice for a Sleeping Baby

2010-08-02T18:54:00.000-07:00

Have you ever denied yourself something for the sake of getting a baby down to sleep? Now I am not talking about not going to that party or missing your favorite TV show because Jr. decided to stay up until Law and Order started. I am talking about denying yourself basic human rights that even the Geneva Convention would disagree with the moral and ethical abuse being done; all for the sake of getting your little one to sleep.

1. Food
The most basic self-sacrifice is food. Your baby decides its bed time at the exact moment dinner comes out to the table. Dinner is steaming hot and the sweet aroma fills the entire house as you sit in the glider with a bottle in one hand and your adorable baby in the other contemplating what formula tastes like because right now anything would do to quench the insatiable hunger welling up in your stomach. And at the very moment he closes his eyes to drift off to sleepy town, in the quiet and stillness of the nursery, your stomach releases the mother of all growls that is so loud it actually wakes up the neighbor’s baby and their dog.

2. The Toilet
Have you ever made the classic mistake of making a bottle before bedtime and thinking, “Yeah, I have to go but I can hold it.” So you sit down and start feeding the baby and he keeps moving his head back and forth and the formula is sloshing this way and that. The warm formula going splish, splash, slosh in the bottle while you regret not keeping up on your Kegel exercises and you think, “well he doesn’t have to drink the whole bottle right?” But you know he does, he always does and tonight he has decided to take his time with multiple rest breaks as he sips on the bottle like a fine wine savoring every drop. And it does not help if you cross your legs or not and you can’t do the pee-pee dance because that extra movement would wake up the baby.

3. The Cough/Sneeze
The two most natural, automatic, practically involuntary things the body does now have to become controlled and restrained while getting your baby to sleep. After a long night of your baby refusing sleep, after the second car ride around the neighborhood that did not work both times, after 3 bottle of 20 ounces of warm formula, you are rocking your baby to sleep and his eyes have closed and the wiggling is down to just a random kick now and then, and you feel it. A cough is coming. The feeling of 1000 feathers dancing on the back of your throat. You know if you let it out, he is fully awake and it negates the past 3 hours of work. So you hold it in, your eyes start watering, you’d do anything for a glass of water, and just when you think you can’t take it anymore, you sneeze. It came out of no where. You did not even get to do the cartoon finger under the nose thing (that actually works, try it!) And now the baby gets to watch Jay Leno with you tonight…again.

We go to great lengths, as parents, to make sure they go down easy and stay down, not for the sake of ruining their beauty sleep but the fact that the few moments we have to ourselves without kids at the end of a noisy, busy day is more precious than gold. Its worth stubbing your toe on the crib and biting their blankie to keep from yelling out, or dropping to the floor and army crawling out of their room to make sure they don’t see you. (Both done and done successfully I might add.) Just so they can sleep through the night and wake you up at 5 am when they have peed through their diaper and clothes from the 20 ounce of bedtime formula.

Looking forward to when my baby can put himself to sleep,
The Joyful and Tired Dad

"Why?"

2010-07-26T17:15:00.000-07:00

You're traveling through another dimension -- a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind. A journey into a wondrous land whose boundaries are that of imagination. That's a signpost up ahead: your next stop: the "Why?" Zone! Our 2 year old has entered the phase where every statement is followed by the dreaded toddler question, "Why?" In the Why Phase, every, I mean every comment, question, and grunt out of a parent's mouth is met with "Why?" What is the motivation? Is it the constant thirst for knowledge by a growing mind who is just so curious to learn as much as he can about the world around him? Or is it a secret devious plan agreed upon by all 2 year olds forming the 1801 Act of Annoyance to be put into practice once a child reaches the stage in life to be too responsible to be ignored and too cute to be mad at, to test the fortitude of all parents across time? I believe the latter.

Have you ever got into the "why?" battle with your toddler? It goes something like this:
Parent: Ok, time to go take a bath.
Child: Why?
Parent: Because we take a bath every night.
Child: Why?
Parent: Because you get dirty throughout the day and need a bath.
Child: Why?
Parent: Because you colored with crayons, ate 3 of them, are covered in dog hair from wrestling with the dog after eating a sticky popsicle, and after our spaghetti dinner I can't tell if you are going to be permanently stained orange.
Child: Why?
Parent: Because more spaghetti went down your shirt than in your mouth
Child: Why?
Parent: Because you were distracted by fighting with your also stained brother, who also needs a bath.
Child: Why?
Parent: Because you are both dirty kids and I don’t want to change your sheets every night if I send you to bed without a bath.
Child: Why?
Parent: Because at the end of the day, I am tired and daily laundry is not high on my list.
Child: Why?
Parent: Cause I'd rather watch the Bachelorette: the men tell all and see what Frank has to say to Ali after they broke up.
Child: Why?
Parent: Cause he had a girlfriend at home and needed to see where that was going to go before getting into another relationship with Ali
Child: Why?
Parent: Because Ali deserves better. This is her second chance at love on a reality TV show and she needs to find the perfect man in Tahiti and go on perfect dates because that is what real life is like and everything is easy once you are all alone with each other and there are no cameras around you, so you look for the next reality show like Jake did with Dancing with the Stars so you don’t have to face your reality show mistakes but we see how that turned out for him and Vienna on "Bachelor: the Break-up" where Chris Hanson seemed genuinely concerned for both of them but you know he wanted the gossip to stop like the rest of America because we all knew Vienna was only in the relationship for fame and he should have picked Tenley but there was also something wrong with him too and his anger issues so you question ABC's screening process for these contestants and you decide you are going to be bigger than this reality show nonsense and never watch them again. But then the Bachelorette starts and you tune in.
Child: Why?
Parent: Cause there was nothing else on.
Chile: Why?

And it goes on and on and on.

Never get yourself in the continually circling, never-ending back and forth of trying to answer their why questions. That’s what they want from you. Don't give in to them. Instead here are 5 alternatives to end the cycle before it’s too late. Use these responses and win the battle.

1. “Because.”
Ah yes, the classic. This will work on the young and immature but it could be dangerous if you use it on an older toddler who have learned the skill of debate because they will respond to your "because" with a "because why?" When your child pulls this out of their osh-gosh back pocket the first time, it will stop you in your tracks because you have not pre-planned for this moment. But consider yourself lucky because when this happens, here is your response: "Because I said so." It will work 20-50% of the time depending on the anger in your inflection.

2. "Why not?"
The old answer a question with a question. Watch them squirm when you turn their own game against them. But be careful, they could also answer your question with a “because.” And the ones asking for a time-out will give you, “Because I said so.”

3. “Ask your mother”
This statement has been serving fathers since Cain and Abel asked Adam where babies came from. This phrase is not only reserved for questions about sex or homework anymore. Use it freely Dads. Sorry Moms.

4. “Who wants ice cream?”
The distraction. If they attempt to ask “why?” to this one, just reply, “oh well, I thought you might want ice cream but I guess not.” It works every time. Depending on their age you could also use, “Your shoes are untied,” “Hey look a puppy,” or just jiggle your keys in front of them until it’s funny or annoying. There is nothing like fighting annoying with annoying.

5. Fake sleep
When you notice the “Why?” cycle begin, find the closest wall, lean up against it, shut your eyes and fake snore. I know we are already employing this trick when its time to clean up after thanksgiving dinner or when its time to change the diapers but it can be affective versus the toddlers. And you don’t have to slow your breathing or let a little drool slip out of your mouth like you do when your wife brings out the Honey-do list during the NFL game on Sunday. Or when your husband comes to bed after watching the late game on Sunday smelling like beer and Doritos, looking for some “unnecessary roughness.”

So when you are staring down the deceivingly cute face of a 2 year old and you are dead-locked in an epic battle of wills, mono e mono, you versus them, and there is no end in sight to their cyclical questioning, you now have a way out. And you will win, because they may be cute, but you are bigger than they are.

Checking to see if my wife is really sleeping or not,
The Joyful and Tired Dad

Preference vs. Favoritism

2010-07-25T17:33:00.000-07:00

As a parent of more than one child, 3 to be exact, I know one is not supposed to show favoritism to one child over another. You love your children equally regardless of circumstance or character or age or anything. But some parents throughout history have shown favoritism. Isaac showed favoritism toward Esau and Rebekah toward Jacob. Darth Vader favored Luke over Leia to join him in the dark side. The Baldwins have always favored Alec over the other 3. Well would you choose the one with the hit NBC sitcom and established movie career, or the one addicted to cocaine, the one married to Chynna Phillips from Wilson Phillips, or the one who starred next to Pauley Shore in "Bio-dome."

But I do believe parents can show preference at certain times for one child more than another. Favoritism is more long term where preference is short term. Preference is shown at certain times where favoritism is at all times. You love your children equally at all times but sometimes one child may stick out to you or do something cute/sweet or just come back from a long trip and you want nothing more than to spend all your time with that one child. The trick is sharing those moments with this child without the others seeing or you may risk jealousy in the others. Because they do not understand the concept of preference over favoritism.

My nine month old, Baby Nate, is so sweet and cute you literally want to eat him up. (I never understood this concept that one would want to devour and ingest something that they thought was adorable. I understand hugging the life out of it but not eating it. Maybe lions devour their young because they never got the memo that it was just a figure of speech.) He is so fun to hold, rarely cries, and smiles all the time. There are many times when I prefer him over the other 2 screaming, fighting toddlers because he doesn't talk back, fight, or slam doors. Then there are times I prefer our 2 year old Drew, when its just him and my wife and I after the other 2 have gone to bed and he talks in his jumbled English where you can make out every 3rd word in his high pitched little voice. He always informs us that he only peeped in his diaper, so no change me. And then our five year old, Zachary is so smart and his memory is so good that he can hold up a toy and tell me how old he was when he got it, who got it for him, and the other toys he got at that time too. He also knows 7-8 bible memory verses he recites each and every night but gets upset if he forgets one. So smart. Those are some times when I "prefer" that child and that time with them. But there are also times when Zachary is having a bad attitude day and every "get up to your room for time-out" is met with a "no" is met with a "how bout 'yes'?" is met with "how bout 'no'?" is met with a "how bout a spanking?" is met with "I'm going to my room." And at the same time, Drew is instigating a punching fight with Zachary and running around with a poopy diaper. And at the same time Nate is screaming to be fed, is poopy, and has just crawled to the dog's water dish and spilled it all over himself and the hardwood floors....again. At those times I prefer other people's children.

But the amazing thing about being a parent is that you love them all the same regardless. One might be more challenging than another, one might be more smiley than another, and one might be Drew. But they are each fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of our true Father who also shows no favorites.

But if God did play favorites, it would be me,
The Joyful and Tired Dad

The Sad Toot

2010-07-24T11:45:00.000-07:00

I wanted to share this quick story for 2 reasons: 1. I think its hilarious and you'd enjoy it. 2. I wanted to write it down so it wouldn't be forgotten.

Zachary and I went to visit my parents at a state park which was supposedly 45 minutes away. I didn't have directions, I just thought I would look for the state park signs and take that exit. Well, originally I wasn't sure how far away it was, so I kept driving. About mile marker 32 I decided to call my parents to find out the exit number. They said "exit 84" I was now 52 miles past the exit so instead we just went a couple more miles to Cincinnati to visit my brother and his family. (That wasn't the story, but I thought it shows how great I am at directions or lack there of, ask my wife. But I improvised and everything worked out to lead to this story.)

That night after playing in the pool all day with his 4 boy cousins, Zachary made the decision to spend the night. Everything was going as planned until we got closer to bedtime and he pulled me aside and with tears in his eyes he sobbed, "I want to go home. I miss mommy." (insert 'ahh, thats so sweet' comment here) We then go upstairs to tell his cousins we are leaving, and they proceed to try to convince him otherwise. Why don't companies employ 6 and 7 year olds for telemarketing jobs? They would be the best salesmen in persistence alone, not to mention you'd feel like a jerk hanging up on a kid. But Zachary made his decision and so standing between them he says in the most sorrowful voice, "Sorry Ben and Will, but I have to go home." and without skipping a beat, rips the longest and equally sorrowful sounding fart. Its like his butt wanted to state its regret too. Well, in a room full of boys, we all started laughing so hard and imitating it over and over again. Well, we now have our newest catch phrase for the summer of 2010 and will be repeated every get-together until replaced by another flatulence-inspired one-liner.

Now I need to go clean the couch. Why you might ask? I just walked into the living room where Drew is sitting on the couch with his shirt off and upon asking why his shirt off he states, "cause it has pee-pee on it." And underneath him, on the couch, is the pee-pee stain where it has leaked through the diaper. But before you go calling children services on my neglectful parenting, the diaper was hardly wet. So let me offer some friendly advice to new parents of boys or little known information to parents of girls: Always, I mean always, point it down before closing up the diaper.

And they wonder why their nicknames are based off the Nick Jr. show, "Toot and Puddle."

Trying to decide if Resolve or Febreeze is better,
The Joyful and Tired Dad

'Toot and Puddle'

The Truth hurts...a lot.

2010-07-17T17:02:00.001-07:00

If you read my last blog about theology and my five year old, you will appreciate this story that happened the same day. As a precursor please understand my wife is an amazing mother and spouse and it was a long stressful day yesterday for her.

My middle child, Drew, (who is 2) had bilateral hernia surgery yesterday but he is perfectly fine now except a little sore. We have been keeping him down so he can rest and recover while family has been calling or stopping by with presents/food. We got a call today from Drew's uncle that he would be stopping by with a present for Drew. So we prepped our five year old Zachary that he would not be receiving a present. So I went into this "kid-friendly" explanation about how Drew went to the hospital where he had procedure to help his hurt belly. And now his belly is better but hurts from this procedure so people will bring him presents to make him feel better. So Zachary should not get upset about not receiving any presents today. He seemed to understand and I was feeling pretty proud as a parent about explaining bilateral hernia repair surgery in 'toddler speak' so he could understand me without scaring him about the actual procedure and risks involved. Well my wife turns to me and says "I know you are trying to be very gentle about this but watch this: Zachary, why did Drew go to the hospital?" To which Zachary replies non-chalantly, "to get his belly cut open with a knife."

Apparently, after a long stressful day, my wife in her frustration of constantly debating with Zachary why Drew was getting special treatment today blurted out that the truth was Drew just had his belly cut open with a knife. It obviously worked cause Zachary didn't bother him too much the rest of the day.

So if that works, I am going to tell them I had bilateral below knee amputations where they cut deep into my epidermis and fascia, down through tissue and sinew, cutting and ripping, to finally use a bone saw to separate my tibia and fibula bones from my patella then surgically reattached every nerve, artery and vein, glued the bones together, and applied the skin graft to make everything look like nothing ever happened; so that is the reason I need to spend some time on the couch.

Doing whatever I can for a little peace and quiet,
The Joyful and Tired Dad

Debating Systematic Theology with a 5 year old.

2010-07-16T16:49:00.000-07:00

Tonight my wife and I each took a child for bed time. She took the five year old and I took the two year old to complete their bedtime routines. My job was a little easier since a late nap afforded the two year old a free pass to stay up later, so Lindsey takes our 5 year old up to bed. About 10 minutes later, I hear "Mark, I need you." This could be one of two things: 1. He is refusing all attempts at bedtime and she needs my manly persuasion to lay down the law to get him to bed or 2. He threw up and I am on clean-up duty because she is huddled in the corner throwing up in her mouth too. (What I don't understand is she has been spit up on, peed on, and had diarrhea run down her shirt and yet when a kid vomits, thats where she draws the line.)

I go upstairs and Zachary, our five year old, is crying. At this point it still could be either of the options listed above but I did not see steam coming out of my wife's ears or smell the sweet aroma of vomit in the air, so something was different. I asked what was wrong and my wife told me that Zachary was crying because he did not want his friends to die and not go to heaven because they didn't have the Holy Spirit. And upon hearing this I realize either a time-out or mop and bucket was going to be a quicker clean-up than this conversation I was about to have. Now, I love my wife and she means well. I love how she wants to teach our children about Jesus and about truth. But this was not the way to do it tonight. Well apparently my wife, Lindsey, and Zachary were talking about the Holy Spirit. But instead of the frilly, "he is always with you, protecting you, and watching out for you" bedtime story, Lindsey gives him the "the Holy Spirit comes and lives in your heart and you will go to heaven, but those people who don't have the Holy Spirit in their hearts will not go to heaven." And at this point Zachary, in his 5 year old brain puts 2 and 2 together to conclude, "I don't know if my friends have the Holy Spirit in their hearts, so they must not, so they are going to die and not go to heaven." And hence the crying. He even said, "I am so worried." I know, right?
So I laid down next to Zachary, started rubbing his leg and comforting him, and gently said, "Well what you should be worried about his blaspheming the Holy Spirit cause that is an unforgivable sin and you will never, ever go to heaven but be eternally separated from God in a dark evil place where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth for all eternity. Good night. Sleep tight."
Of course I didnt say that. We talked about Jesus and how he loves everybody and wants everyone to come to know him and join him in heaven and that you need to love Jesus, be good and obey your parents (yeah, I threw that in, for good measure), listen to your teachers and do what the bible says and you will have the Holy Spirit in your heart and go to heaven. And you can share Jesus with your friends, so they can go to heaven too. Well he stopped crying, said ok, we prayed and now all is well in our household again. Well at least until Lindsey puts our 2 year old down and their bedtime story is about free-will vs predestination. That will be another fun clean-up conversation.

I never thought I would want to clean up vomit,
The Joyful and Tired Dad

Have you had these theology conversations with your children?

Team Edward vs Team Jacob: There can be only one!!

2010-07-05T17:41:00.000-07:00

I want to pose some ideas to help you answer the greatest question of life: Are you Team Jacob or Team Edward?

We just came back from seeing the new Twilight movie tonight. I do want to point out in that sentence I said "we". I did not go by myself, wearing the t-shirt and squealing everytime Jacob takes his shirt off or Edward gives Bella the "tortured soul" look. No, I went with my wife who did all those things. I have to admit, I did like the movie. I didn't read the books so had nothing to compare the movies to but the best part about the movie compared to the books: no reading. Anyway, I did want to give some pros and cons to those out there who havent made up their mind about whose team to be on: Team Edward or Team Jacob.

First we will start with Pros for Edward and cons for Jacob:

Edward
-In the sunlight, He is beautiful and sparkles like diamonds
Jacob
-In the sunlight, He looks normal but pants in the heat and slobbers

Edward
-In water, he can walk and doesnt need to breathe underwater
Jacob
-In water, he smells like wet dog

Edward
-He sparkles
Jacob
-He sheds
(Would you rather have rose pedals waiting for you around the house or hairballs and fur)

And now pros for Team Jacob
Edward
-He wears expensive clothes
Jacob
-Doesnt wear shirts, save on your clothing budget

Jacob
-muscles
Edward
-no muscles

Edward
-You can climb trees with Edward
Jacob
-You can pet Jacob

Edward
-He drinks blood which is free but he has to hunt for it
Jacob
-He eats a lot of meat (expensive) or $10.99 for a 20 lb bag of Purina Dog chow (cheap)

Edward
-It is very difficult to convince Edward to do anyhting and must compromise with marriage
Jacob
-Offer Jacob a dog biscuit and he'll do anything: shake, lay down, play dead, stay, etc

If you are still having a hard time coming up with a decision I have come up with other ideas that dont have a clear cut pro or con. Its up to you decide.

Edward
-He is cold-blooded so in summer, you'd save money on air-conditioning, but useless in winter
Jacob
-He is warm-blooded and furry so in winter, you'd save on heat but in summer he would be hot and uncomfortable. You ever try cuddling with a dog in the summer heat. Not fun.

Edward
-As a vampire, you could never have children but you would never grow old
Jacob
-with a werewolf, you would grow old togther but have puppies and grand-puppies. And not one at a time, but a litter of eight. Ask Jon and Kate and Octo-mom how that turned out.

Edward
-He has to hunt, so he'd go away for long weekends with the guys
Jacob
-He would stay at home with you, but instead of cuddling he might prefer to scoot on the carpet.

Edward
-The two most important things to him: you and blood.
Jacob
-The two most important things to him: you and a tennis ball.

So I hope that has helped you make a decision on which Team you would like to join. Or you could always join the team every girl in America is on: Team I hate Bella. She twitches.

Off to watch Rambo and kill a shark with my bare hands to regain my manhood,

The Joyful and Tired Dad

I just need insurance not a catchy jingle!

2010-06-16T17:42:00.000-07:00

What is the worse than having an annoying song stuck in your head? Having an annoying jingle stuck in your head. I was out mowing and what keeps playing over and over again, "Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there." Over and over and over and over again. Well it got me thinking. How come it seems all the big insurance companies out there have these annoying jingles. For example, "Nationwide is on your side." "Play it safe, Safe Auto." "For the best car insurance rates in town, call 1-800-General now!" And not only that, how about the catch phrases. "Thats All State stand, are you in good hands?" "Now thats Progressive." "Geico, So easy a caveman could do it."

All these stupid little sayings and songs that play like a record needle stuck on the record, over and over again in my head. Just like any Barney song or Achy Breaky Heart from the 90s. "Dont tell my heart, my achy breaky heart, I just dont think it understand." Now you have that stuck too, dont you. You're welcome!

Back to the insurance companies, lets not forget to mention the useless spokesperson for these companies as well. The Geico gekko. You think adding an aulstralian accent to a reptile makes him endearing and cute. You know what I am thinking, that cold-blooded reptile is leaving slime trails all over you desk and will probably pee if you make any quick moves. But at least it would apologize in its cute voice. "oh dear, dear, dear, i have appeared to have made boom boom on your expensive mahogeny office furniture." Nationwide is trying this new "the world's greatest spokesperson in the world." but what I am thinking, "trying to hard. And giving him a blue phone doesnt make him better than the rest." How about the General Auto insurance with the little cartoon character. I am thinking, "sure i'd buy insurance from you, if I needed to insure my tank or Apache helicopter. And quit telling me what number to call and when to do it. You're not the boss... I mean... general of me."

I am even questioning the validity of these jingle claims. You had better back up your promises, insurance companies. If I am in a fender bender and it was my fault, is Nationwide on my side. If they were, they would pick up the tab regardless of whose fault it was. And I am sorry State Farm but you have not been available if I need a cup of sugar or mowed my grass and collected my mail while I was on vacation. You are nothing like a good neighbor. I also heard someone bring up a good point, at the end of All State commercials read the fine print about how they are not available in some states. Pretty deceiving name if you ask me.

Back to jingles. I know what you're saying, "but the catchy jingles are working because you are remembering their name and thats what the advertisers wanted to accomplish." But these jingles are having an affect the advertisers dont want; a sense of anger and hatred toward their companies because of their songs stuck in my head. So if I need insurance, you know who I am not calling, anyone on my side, like a good neighbor, or who employs filthy reptiles and men with blue phones.

My current insurance company is Erie Insurance. Ever heard of them. No, exactly, and thats why I love them. I could be getting terrible insurance rates but I dont care cause they have no catchy jingle or annoying catch phrase or cheesy spokesperson. But now watch, because I wrote this, tomorrow I will see an Erie Insurance commercial with a big dancing lake singing "If your car bangs his reary, grab your phone and call Erie!"

When I am looking for an insurance company. I want one that has a non-threatening name that tells me what I am getting and leaves out all the hokey music, jingles, clever catch phrases and spokespeople/reptiles. I made this add with the ideal insurance company advertisement. Enjoy!

Now thats an insurance company. I know what I am getting from them. Low price insurance and privacy. No jingles stuck in my head. Thanks LPI!

Now with Achy Breaky Heart stuck in my head,
The Joyful and Tired Dad

Whale Wars? Was the title "Nerd Wars" taken?

2010-06-08T19:20:00.000-07:00

Have you seen this brilliant piece of television gold? It is on Animal Planet friday nights at 9 in case you missed it. But again like all other goldmines, Animal Planet plays it every other hour until the new one comes out on Friday. If you havent seen it, here is the premise. The show follows a bunch people who got together, bought a huge boat, and went to the Antarctic ocean where Japanese Whaling Vessels patrol the waters looking for whales to poach. It has potential right? Sounds like good versus evil. And the title "Whale Wars" makes you believe there may by violence and fighting and "war" on the high seas. Well you would be sadly mistaken, as was I.
I missed season 1 but I tuned in season 2. This is what happened. Basically this white haired guy went to college campuses and recruited students from hippie animal rights groups on campus with no majors and asked if they wanted to delay getting a real job for a summer and go to Anarctica to live out their bumper stickers and "save the whales." And since most of them were returning to their parents basement after graduation anyway, this seemed like a good gig. So you can imagine the yound adults signing up for this "mission" are not, shall we say, hard-core extremists. But again, on a show called Whale Wars, I would have expected it. The kind that our using grappling hooks to climb aboard Japanese whaling vessels in the middle of the night with knives in their teeth and taken care of business Steven Segal-style. But it is a reality TV show and not something scripted like "the Hills." (You know Heidi is only with Spencer cause she gets paid to be with a Tool Bag. I refuse to believe Spencer Pratt is a real person. But thats a different blog.)

Anyway, in season 2 they come together on the main ship called the Steve Irwin and travel around the ocean trying to find Japanese whaling vessels that are attempting to hunt and poach whales. On the Steve Irwin, they have a short range helicopter and a tiny speed boat to scout out the Japanese ships. The funny thing is when they catch up to these ships you can clearly see they are harpooning whales and bringing them on board to slaughter them for meat and by-products but the Japanese hold up giant signs saying, in english, that its for research and they are collecting samples. Well, if you are innocent why do you have giant guilt signs in english stating your business. And why do you need to slaughter whale after whale for "samples."
The war is on! But not really. What are the weapons of warfare in this epic battle on the high seas? Stink bombs. no really, stink bombs. Buturic acid to be exact. They throw it onto the Japanese whaling ships because it stinks up their decks and ruins the whale meat. And how do the Japanese fight back? Water cannons. Yep, high powered super soakers. Funny thing is, just like in the 70s, it still works against the hippies. There must be a phobia of water and hygiene to all hippies. And also, these "whale warriors" are nerds so to throw a bottle of buturic acid onto the bough of giant boat is as easy as getting a date on saturday night with a real girl. of which they can do neither.

So the entire season was the Steve Irwin trying to catch these Japanese ships to throw stink bombs on their decks while attempting to avoid their water cannons but never making a direct hit to make their decks stinky. All for the whales, I think.
One episode of note, the little speed boat was along side the Japaneses ship attempting to throw bottles when the Japanese crew threw bottle caps at them. You would have thought they had thrown live grenades by the way these nerds overreacted. They were like, "we were protesting whaling peacefully but they have obviously taken it to the next level. We could have been killed by these bottle caps. How dare they?" Forgetting that they were throwing glass bottles of acid at them.

The entire season reminded me of 2 little kids fighting like babies and tattling on each other. Nobody really getting anything accomplished except "hurt feelings." Not really what I would call "war." Well here is a video summary of Whale Wars.

Hope you enjoyed that.

Well season 3 has just started. And on the season premiere, the extra slow Steve Irwin always had trouble catching those pesky Japanese whaling vessels so they added 2 new ships to their "fleet." To catch those ships they added a brand new space age looking boat called the Ady Gil that can travel twice as fast as any whaling vessel.

Sounds like a great advantage right? But in the first episode a big wave hit this ship, damaged its radar and it was sent back into harbor for repairs. Oops. And the second ship added is called the Bob Barker, named after the legendary game show host who donated $5 million toward the cause. And you would think they would take that money and buy the latest and greatest ship out there but instead they buy a huge old piece of junk with an engine as old as Bob Barker himself and cant fix it in time to leave the dock and join the Steve Irwin. Not the greatest start to the campaign so far this season.

Anyway, I am all for helping defenseless animals against illegal poaching but there has got to be a better way to do it. But as much as I find this show hilarious and ridiculous, I cant help not watching! So please tune in friday nights at 9 on Animal Planet so I am not the only one laughing at nerds risking their lives as voulnteers by throwing things at big ships to save the whales. I wonder if there will be a spin-off "Baby Seal Wars?"

Saving the world one blog at a time,

The Joyful and Tired Dad

The Honesty of Children

2010-06-07T18:33:00.001-07:00

I love the purity in a child's thought process and how they see the world. It lends to them the ability to say things without a filter. It makes me believe that as we grow older and "wiser" we build that "filter" into our own lives which leads to fake realities and masks we put on for the world, so no one will know what we are really thinking. Our "filters" are our "candy-coating" of speech and actions, so everything is nice and neat and we dont offend anybody and everybody gets along. But at a price. Because we end up speaking through our masks to other people's masks and we never get past that "filter" into true relationship and honesty with one another.
But children dont have those so called filters or masks. They are so honest and at times brutally honest. Two examples of this happened tonight with our oldest Zachary. He is 5 years old and we visited a friends house tonight. I had to wash his hands because of course he was playing with their dog food (why not?) and we went to their kitchen. Now to me I am thinking, "ok their kitchen is a little messy. There are some dishes in the sink, some plates and pots on the counters, some trash here and there, plus its an older apartment and they both work so no big deal." My filter says dont say what you're thinking, keep it to yourself. But as I am washing Zachary's hands, he looks around and loud enough for everyone to hear, "Man, this kitchen is old and rusty!"
And then later tonight, we are putting him in his car seat to head home and my wife and mother-in-law are talking about wedding colors and my wife says, "Her colors are going to be red and black with a damask patten." And Zachary looks up at her at her with wide eyes and says, "Oh no. Is that bad?"
We can learn so much from children. I think we could all benefit from a little less filter in our lives like they live it everyday. Lets not try to silence them to "Be nice" but praise them for "being real." And try it ourselves sometime.

Am I doing this right?

2010-06-04T17:22:00.000-07:00

Have you ever thought to yourself, "Am I doing this right?" when it pertains to something you have been doing for a long time. I had this thought today while in the bathroom and I will explain later. But how many things do you do in your daily life that you were never taught? I mean, who taught you the way to put on pants? Not just how to put them on but specifically the way to put them on. Do you put your left or right leg in first; do you stand or sit on a chair, toilet, or bed; do you hike them up on your legs then pull up or are they bunched at the feet and you jump to hike them up? As an occupational therapist, as crazy as it sounds, I analyze these things for my patients and suggest compensatory strategies to do it better. But who taught you or did you just figure it out? "As long as the job gets done, its right." Right? Well what if there is a better way out there and you just dont know it. For example, if you have an injured/less flexible leg, did you know you should put that leg in your pants first? Cause your "normal" leg is more flexible to get them into your pants last. And did you know, when you do steps, you step up with your good leg and down with your bad leg? Its all about weight bearing and flexibility. But would you have known that if a therapist didnt tell you?

I just found out I have been brushing my teeth the wrong way for 30 years. Until my dentist told me, I just "got the job done." But I wouldnt have known it was the wrong way until I started to brush away my gums cause I was brushing too hard. Who loves Sensodyne? I do now!

There are some things that people dont teach you but you learn on the fly. Like changing a tire, stopping your first nose bleed or how to unclog a toilet. In those times you teach yourself cause those are true emergencies and you have to learn quick. Cause if you dont learn, you will end up with a mess and most likely be calling a professional.

*If you are easily offended please skip the next section and cut to the end*

But this line of thinking occured to me when I was in the bathroom. My thought: who taught me how to wipe? Because you have 2 options: back to front or front to back. I dont remember mom and I having a good old heart to heart about proper wiping style. Maybe you had that kind of weird open relationship with your parents or a "TMI" too open friendship with a friend, but most sane people have not been taught but have just figured it out. But have you ever wondered if it is the right way? Try doing it the other way. It feels like signing your name with your non-dominant hand. You know you got the job done but it doesnt feel right or look right.

So next time you are doing your everyday things you've done for years and years just think to yourself, "Am I doing this right?" Cause there might be a different or even better way to do it that no one has taught you. Then you can write a blog about it.....and go back to doing it the way you've always done it.

Giving you something to think about on the toilet,
The Joyful and Tired Dad

When God closes a door, he does not open an appointment window, cause those things are from Satan!

2010-06-03T16:37:00.001-07:00

Ok, appointment windows. For those of you who have never had the priveledge of having an appliance break or cable go out, here is what you are missing. They are called appointment windows. Basically, the company gives you an allotted time during the day, usually 3-4 hours, they want you sit around, do absolutely nothing, be tied to the phone in case they call, schedule no other activities, meals, or bathroom breaks, and wait for them to show up whenever they want to. Instead of the normal, rational, common sense, less frustrating alternative called an appointment time, they give an appointment "window". And I'm sorry, whoever come up with the idea that a "window" would be between 3-4 hours long. I think window, I think 1 hour.

So here is the story. Our dishwasher broke 2 weeks ago. We call the Home Protection Company who suggests the dishwasher repair company, who then calls me to set up an appointment...for the next week! I know I am not talking about our heater in the coldest part of winter but when you are used to throwing dishes in the dishwasher after every meal and your 2 oldest kids use 15 sippy cups each a day, plus 4-6 baby bottles, plus 3 sets of dishes 3x/day, plus utensils, plus cooking pots/pans, the fact that you are now going to have to hand wash all those dishes everyday becomes worse that losing your heater in the dead of winter. Oh convenience, you spoil me so! Anyway, they give us an "appointment window" of 4 hours 8am -noon. Well my gracious wife stays home with 3 overactive boys all morning, in the house, by the phone, no going outside. (I think I noticed nail marks by the doors where either they or her tried to claw their way out at one point.) So 12:00 comes and goes. No repair man. I get a call at 12:30 from the company, "Hey, our guy is running behind. He says he can be there at 2:00." Lets do the math, they missed their window cause it shut at noon or their window wasnt wide enough! I called Linds and she said it was fine. So he comes at 2:00, 2 hours after his window and they need to order a new part, of course. But when will it arrive...next week! So, another week of hand washing cups that have been used for 1 sip of water.

Well today is the day for the fix we've been waiting 2 weeks for. Last week, they give Linds the "appointment window" of 1-5 pm. So at 5:30 I get the text they havent come yet. I mean seriuosly? No call, no show. I called the home protection company (cause i dont have the dishwasher repair company's number. Of course not, why would I? that would make sense), who put me on hold for 15 min and never answered. So here I sit with a pile of dishes that had an appointment window of 5-8pm tonight to be in the dishwasher and me with my appointment window of not doing the dishes by hand from 5pm till 'it breaks again'.

Why cant I use appointment windows in my daily life. "I will be into work today between the hours of 7-noon today." "I want my reservation at this restaurant to be from 6pm-10pm. Please have a table ready for me between those hours." "I will be home to take over with our kids between 6-midnight. Please have them in bed and sleeping if I show toward the end of my 'window'".

What if other people ran on appointment windows. "Hello 911 what is your emergency? Oh, you have been stabbed? Well the paramedics will be out to your house between the hours of 8-12." "You're house is on fire, expect the fire dept sometime after 6 till 10 this evening."

You know who might as well give us appointment windows instead of appointments...Doctor's offices. If they said you will be seen between 10-12 today, at least I wouldnt be mad when I in the office, dressed in a paper napkin held together by a charm bracelet, for my 9:00 appointment at 10:35. I would know what to expect. Oh I had a window, they werent late, I just didnt have anything better to do.

So please if you give out appointment windows, stay in your window. They are bad enough as they are and worse if you miss them. No better yet...shame on you for being lazy and not just scheduling "appointments." Get a day planner and a watch and save the world a headache. Well, I'm off to do the dishes....with a headache. Thanks appointment window.

With Palmolive soft hands,
The Joyful and Tired Dad

To Blog or not to Blog

2010-06-02T19:29:00.000-07:00

That is the question. So my wife has been "blogging" for a while now. You can visit her blog at thejoyfulandtiredmom.blogspot.com. When she initially told me about it, my first reaction was laughter. Not the "ha ha good for you" but the "ha ha you're kidding right?" I thought blogging was for pink haired guys whose names resemble hotel heiress's names or the random soically awkward geek who sits in his dimly lit basement drinking red bull and eating doriotoes till 4 in the morning taking breaks from playing World of Warcraft to write about the risks/benefits of using a 12th level knight with an upgraded power sword against a 15th level mage with a necromancer key and magical ponytail. I thought "my wife doesnt fit any of those descriptions." They are very vague. Anyway, she began writing about our children and the challenges of raising 3 boys and the other random thoughts/ideas she has and she is actually quite good at "blogging" As of right now, you dont get 22 followers for having a blog that sucks. Well maybe Jessica Simpson does. I mean come on, you havent done anything in like 10 years. At least Nick Lachey was on the "Sing-off."
I must admit I did write one post on her blog about the Bachelor wedding and it was fun and suprisingly addictive. I wanted to do it again but didnt have any good material. And sorry but I refuse to watch the new Bachelorette for material or anything ABC puts on Monday night to fill up the evening with some kind of reality crap. Monday is a terrible TV night, who is with me?
So hence, here begins my new blog. I have been delaying but can delay no longer. Thank you for stopping by and hope you will check in again cause there is some good stuff coming. I have dyed my hair pink, got a case of Red Bull, a bag of doritoes, and a brand new deck of "Magick the Gathering" cards in case I run out of things to talk about. Get ready!

Geeking it up for the online masses,
The Joyful and Tired Dad.